Gender Life and Style

I want a child but…

Dear Raphael and Namukolo,
I need a child. I am not married but I have clocked 49 years with a good-paying job. The problem is that I don’t even have a boyfriend. Should I just sleep with any man so I get pregnant?
Janet, Mufulira.

Dear Janet,
What would you think if whilst moving along one of the main roads of Mufulira, you came across a smartly-dressed man, holding a steering wheel (minus a car) and running along the road as if he was driving a real car? I am sure you would immediately conclude that the man is crazy! Why? Because a steering wheel was meant to be in a car as a component of the car and never to be ‘driven’ on its own apart from the car!
This is exactly what you are trying to do Janet! God created sex and child-bearing as components of the marriage relationship and never to be treated in isolation. And whatever God does, He does so for a very good reason to protect all parties involved. In order to experience balanced growth a child needs both parents. And the father and the mother need to complement each other in the process of parenting. Imagine if you went ahead to have a child just from the nearest willing man, that man might come back to haunt you in future; your child will be deprived of a father; you might suffer stigma from society etc. Parenting is more than just meeting the material needs of the child. There are many inputs which need to come from both the father and the mother.
Instead, you must address the real problem at hand, that of loneliness and a desire to be a mother, which is natural. Both need to be managed as we do many of our natural desires. In life we will have many desires which cannot all be fulfilled and we must learn to live with and manage them.
You could consider adopting a child or children as there are many children in our society in need of a home. This would be the legal and noble thing for you to do as opposed to involving yourself in an illicit relationship.

‘A married man impregnated my girl’

Dear Raphael and Namukolo,
My girlfriend is pregnant from another man. I still love her. Should I just wait for her to deliver so that we continue with the relationship? The man is married and I know he will not marry her.
Jack, Kitwe.

Dear Jack,
What is at stake is far much more than your girlfriend’s pregnancy. She violated the trust which is absolutely necessary in any love relationship. Have you thoroughly discussed her actions with her? What led her to such behaviour? Is she repentant of her actions? Has she voluntarily broken off the relationship with the married man? Have the issues of support for the unborn child been discussed? Does the married man’s wife know about this pregnancy? And have you considered the possibility of your girlfriend contracting HIV?
There are so many unanswered questions which need to be answered before you can make an informed decision. Our advice would be that you take your time before making a decision. Sometimes the passing of time can assist you to determine where the heart of your girlfriend truly is.
Whatever else you do, seek the counsel of older people who can sit both you and your girlfriend down to help you make wise decisions with respect to your future.

Our marriages are like gardens. Just as gardens need continuous weeding, failure to which the weeds begin to over-grow and destroy the crop; we need to continuously identify and pluck out those negative things which can grow and spoil our marriages.

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