Turning earthquake into positive thing

Torn Apart: BOYD PHIRI
AS YOU are probably aware, on Thursday a minor 4.1 magnitude quake hit the hood. Buildings rattled, but surprisingly, rats did not fall from their hide-outs in the ceiling.

Just like there were no injuries and property damage, there were no rodents falling from the roof into living rooms to give the missus something to scream about.
But all the same, people in Chibombo district felt it hard, not because they praise themselves as bene chishi, ba Lenje ba tanshi [owners of the land, the purest of the pure], the thing is, no-one expected it to happen.
Nevertheless, don’t worry, nothing happened at your favourite roadside vegies market John Chinena, whose last name has an embarrassing meaning when translated in Nyanja, which is why some of my colleagues jokingly refer to it as John Chilies.
The place won’t bite the dust any time soon despite it being in danger of an earthquake. Neither will it pack up and move to, say, notorious Chibolya township, to soak into the demonic power of Seven Spirits.
Geological Survey Department director Chipilauka Mukofu said the earthquake at Chibombo was at a depth of 12 kilometres at latitude 16.3165 and longitude 28.3125.
Perhaps this is why some of the locations on this Lusaka-Kabwe road are known by measurements such as six miles, 12 miles, 15 miles and 25 miles.
If you hear some Lenjes start referring to themselves as “bene earthquake, ba Lenje ba tanshi [owners of the earthquake, the purest of the pure], don’t be surprised, everything happens for a reason.
The last tremor Zambia experienced was in April this year in Kaputa, Luapula Province.
It seems we are becoming vulnerable to quakes now going by the statistics.
But one thing is sure, we wouldn’t be having earthquakes like this if Iris Kaingu did not turn her naked body into canvas for an artist to paint a traditional attire on it.
I bet the artist has nothing to fear if the ground suddenly decides to take Iris to the bottom of the earth.
We wouldn’t be having tremors in the hood if Alex Ng’onga did not miss a lot of chances in a World Cup qualifier against Nigeria, which dimmed our chances to go to Russia next year.
We wouldn’t be experiencing earthquakes if sex workers did not throw condoms everywhere in the hood, including church premises.
We wouldn’t be experiencing earthquakes if a known footballer did not have sex with a friend’s fiancée.
You see, when someone sleeps with his friend’s fiancée, it raises dust in the hood and every plan for marriage shakes.
People in the hood wouldn’t be experiencing tremors next door in the night if couples bought their beds from right carpenters.
We wouldn’t be experiencing earthquakes in the hood if people stopped taking their under-wears to be anointed by fake pastors.
I hear the Lusaka City Council wants to buy earthquake to use to demolish illegal structures in the hood.
In case you are wondering, the authority reckons it is expensive to use one bulldozer to demolish one illegal structure at a time.
Given these findings, it may be a good idea to buy an earthquake so that political cadres stop grabbing any land they find.
Perhaps they would be rushing to Geological Survey Department to find out if the land they are about to grab is likely to have an earthquake in the near future.
But all the same, land owners would love to buy earthquake to scare away cadres from grabbing their land.
My fear about earthquake is fading though, thanks partly to a possible new saying from Chibombo district, “bene earthquake, ba Lenje ba tanshi”.

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