Can we help? with PASTOR & MRS BANDA
DEAR Raphael and Namukolo,
I AM an average looking man.
I started chatting with a girl online.
After meeting her a few times, we became good friends, got close and started dating.
I went on a trip to Europe and brought designer bags and perfumes for her.
We used to go shopping together and I used to pay for whatever she bought.
After a month, all of a sudden, she started ignoring my calls and messages.
Then she said that she never loved me and she broke all ties.
I was in love and never realised I had spent K45,000 on her.
Now I feel like a fool. Should I ask her to return my money or just learn my lesson and move on? FMI.
We understand your feelings of foolishness. In fact, the feelings are in order because most of your actions have been far from wise and you will do well to learn from this experience.
Your first unwise decision was to depend on social media for such an important task of finding a life partner. Social media is not a very good platform to meet a potential life partner. This is because the interaction on social media is only partial and not very real. In order to get to know another human being, you need to relate with them face to face. Your characters and personalities must interact over a period of time. In the absence of real-time interaction, you might share a number of things about yourselves but still remain strangers to each other. You then took the next step and agreed to meet in person.
It is clear from your narration that when you were meeting each other in person, you were already in a searching mode. Therefore, what you were doing is what is popularly referred to as dating. This is where two people, a male and a female, relate with each other with a view to assessing if they can court and later marry each other. However, dating is inherently fraught with challenges. It is starting a relationship on the wrong foot. Both of you are looking for love and you try to do your best to pass the test. There is also the emotional excitement that goes with such interactions. This excitement can trigger temporary feelings of love usually referred to as infatuation. Infatuation can be so intense leading to one concluding that they have truly fallen in love. This seems to be what happened to your friend. For a while, she thought she had fallen in love. However, like the morning cloud, the feelings of love soon evaporated and she woke up to the reality that she did not love you after all.
Another challenge with the dating approach is that it functions in a vacuum without a context. It is just the two of you relating with each other and seeking to know each other better. You are not acquainted with the people surrounding your partner. This means you have no reference point. No one can furnish you with information about your partner, for example their lifestyle, past relationships, moral and spiritual standing in the community, etc.
Your relationship was further compromised by the unwise use of gifts. You went flat out to literally take up the role of financially supporting your partner. This went beyond the acceptable gift giving and receiving in relationships. Your approach was one of trying to buy love using material things! Love was never meant to be bought. Love must be freely given based on one’s appreciation of the other person. It was just a matter of time and your friend was going to get fed up of you trying to buy her love and she was going to take off in search of genuine love.
The other mistake we observe is to do with the time you invested in knowing each other before committing to a relationship. Using your own words, you tell us that you started dating ‘after meeting her a few times’. Getting to know another person well requires interacting with them over a period of time. A firm foundation in human relationships is established by spending quality time with each other. You rushed in committing to a relationship.
In conclusion and going forward, do not worry about the money you have unwisely spent on your girlfriend. If you gave it to her out of love, then you should not treat it like an investment. Rather, be concerned about approaching love relationships differently. Desist from overly placing emphasis on physical appearance and the dishing out of money. Let your emphasis be on one’s character.
Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you. (iheartsquote)
Can we help? with PASTOR & MRS BANDA