Gender Gender

Same boat with the cheating wife

Can we help? with PASTOR & MRS BANDA
Dear Raphael and Namukolo,
I read with interest the advice you gave to the cheating wife in last week’s column. I am a husband who is in a similar situation. The difference being that I am the one who is studying abroad. In the process, I have hooked up with a number of girls and engaged in one night stands. I feel guilty about it but I do not think it would be wise for me to tell my wife. Just think about it, I do not know these girls, and they will not follow me to Zambia so why should I confess my misdeeds and risk breaking up my marriage? Unlike the cheating wife, for me, there is no blackmail involved. Is it not true that in this case ‘ignorance is bliss’ and ‘what you do not know cannot hurt you’? Mr Y
Dear Mr Y
The Bible teaches us that in marriage the two partners become one. What you do therefore affects your partner whether they are aware of your actions or not. Imagine two business partners and one starts to squander company resources. Even if the counterpart does not know it, the business will begin to bleed. The quality of your marriage relationship will never be the same as long as you are keeping secrets.
God created sex and he designed it to be an intrinsic component of the marriage relationship. Sex can be compared to a steering wheel on a car. The steering wheel was never designed to function apart from the car. Wrenching sex out of the marriage relationship will only serve to bring upon us all sorts of troubles.
Furthermore, sex is not merely a physical activity as many people suppose. It is an emotional as well as a spiritual relationship and binds the two people closer to each other than they might suspect. This is the Apostle Paul’s argument in 1Corinthians 6:16. Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.” 1Corinthians 6:18 Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.
Extra marital sexual relationships will always expose you to the possibility of contracting sexually transmitted diseases which you might end up passing on to your unsuspecting wife. Confessing your extra marital sexual activities to your wife will enable the both of you to take the necessary measures to safe guard your health.
God created us to be moral beings and placed a conscience in each one of us. This is the reason why you are feeling guilty even though your wife is very far away from you and she does not suspect anything.
You might think that your promiscuous behaviour is short term and that everything will return to normal as soon as you get back home but this is not true. Promiscuity betrays a deeper rooted character problem which needs to be addressed. If you do not go for the permanent solution it is bound to surface to haunt you again. Next time, it might not be girls from abroad but from within Zambia, or it might not be real people but sexual fantasies that will be the next addiction, for example addiction to pornography. Addiction to sexual fantasies will be just as damaging to your marriage as promiscuous behaviour. Admitting that you have a problem and confessing it is a very big step towards complete healing. Addictions do not just disappear. They are addictions because they are deeply rooted.
Probably, some of the girls might decide to follow you via social media which might leak to your wife or you might get tempted later in life to reopen contact with them. Confessing your sin to your wife ensures that you have burnt all the bridges behind you and you will not be able to use them again even when tempted to do so.
Finally, Mr Y you are too preoccupied with worrying about how your wife is going to react to your promiscuity. But the Bible teaches us that we should worry more about what God thinks about our actions. This is because he has promised to judge all immoral behaviour.
According to Hebrews 13:4, Marriage should be honoured by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.
God’s displeasure should be feared far much more than man’s. We can only escape God’s displeasure by repenting of our sinful behaviour.
Based on all these considerations Mr Y, we greatly encourage you to let your wife into your closely guarded dark secrets!
One of the biggest challenges in choosing a life partner is sifting through the strong feelings of love in order to discover their true character and worth.
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