Gender Gender

Should I just wait?

Can we help? PASTOR & MRS BANDA
Dear Raphael and Namukolo,
I am a young lady who will soon be turning 26. I have been approached by some young men in the past but they have not proved to be serious. I am concerned that I am steadily advancing in age and no right man seems to be in sight. Does a young lady have any say in the choice of a partner or should they just wait for the right man to come along?
Dear Betty,
The belief that a young lady should just wait for the right man to come along is one of the popular myths that has been used to enslave young ladies. We call it the bus stop approach. When you are at a bus stop you have no control to the type of bus that will come; what time it will come; and the service they will offer to you. You also do not know whether it will be the last bus for the day or there will be another one. This is the position the young lady is put in when they are made to believe that they have very little say in the choosing of a life partner.
On the contrary girls have got as much say in picking a partner as their male counterparts. They can choose the type of man they want and even when they want to get married. They just need to make the right decisions at the right time. Let us look at some of these decisions.
• You must choose what type of man you want for a husband. The type of man you choose must be a reflection of your own personal values. Do not expect a sober man if you yourself are not sober; or an honest one if you practice dishonesty. So ensure that you have got high and well defined values.
• You must determine where such men are to be found. You need to operate like a fisherman. Before the fisherman sets out to fish they determine what type of fish they are looking for. If they are looking for hake they must decide which waters will yield hake. They know that they will not find it in fresh water but rather in the sea. So you must know in which ‘pond’ to fish. Remember that different places will yield different type of men. The club will yield its own type of men; so will the streets; the shopping mall and the church. Having determined where to find your choice of man, ensure that you make those places your habitat. Operate from there and get to interact with many different people in such places. If you are looking for a good Christian man, you yourself must first be a good Christian and you must socialise with good Christians at church; at youth conferences and camps.
• You must choose the right strategy to use to attract the man of your choice. There are a number of things women can use to attract men. But what you use will also determine the type of men you attract into your life. For example if you choose to attract men by the way you dress or expose your body, you will attract the type who are mostly interested in your body. If you use your career or job or material possessions to attract men, you will mostly attract ‘gold diggers’, men who want to feed from your hands and so on. Rather choose to attract men using your character as this is a more permanent aspect of your life. If someone falls in love with you on the basis of your character, that type of love is more likely to be genuine as opposed to one who falls in love with you on the basis of the shape of your figure!
Work on building a good name for yourself. The bible in Ecclesiastes 7.1 teaches us that a good name is better than fine perfume.
You earn yourself a good name by maintaining sexual purity; being hardworking and focused; keeping away from bad company; keeping away from making or exchanging bad words or comments on social media as well as keeping away from places which carry a bad reputation in society.
• You must keep on working on your career. Avoid becoming desperate. Marks of a person who is growing desperate include; lowering of your standards by accepting any man who comes along; becoming depressed; giving in to wrong demands from men – for example sexual demands or the demand for money or other material things.
So Betty, do not wait for the bus. Instead decide which one you want to get on!
Add some spark to your marriage. Do something you have never done before!
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