CAN WE HELP? with PASTOR & Mrs BANDA
Dear Raphael and Namukolo,
I am a 27-year-old man not in a relationship but there is lady I have been admiring for some time now. I didn’t have the courage to propose love to her but she has always been aware that I like her.
The thing is that she is in a relationship with someone else. The surprising thing is that some time back I sent her friendship request on Facebook but she didn’t accept. After a year, she instead sent me a friend request on Facebook but I deliberately delayed in accepting it. After being friends with her on Facebook she sent me an invitation to a game called Candy Crush saga, which I agreed. And since then she keeps on sending me invitations of different versions of games almost on a daily basis.
What can she be implying because I tried to find out how many other people she has invited so far to that game apart from me and I discovered it’s only me.
You are tormenting yourself unnecessarily by engaging in unfruitful ‘detective’ work. What you need is the truth with respect to what her intentions are and you can only get the truth from one person – herself. She might be sending the invitations to you simply to try and do some making up if she has concluded that you were offended by her earlier reactions. This might have nothing to do with her changing her mind with respect to your proposal.
But first things first. You mentioned that she was in a relationship with someone else. Has anything changed? If she is still in a relationship with another man then you must not even begin to have hopes of going out with her. Any attempts to do so would amount to you interfering with another person’s relationship. The Lord Jesus reminds us how we ought to relate with others in Luke 6:31 And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.
If she is your friend as you are suggesting then you should feel free to walk over to her and politely inquire as to how their relationship is doing and what their plans are with respect to marriage. If your inquiry is done in a spirit of genuine concern for her welfare she should be able to update you on how things are going.
If she informs you that she is no longer in courtship then you will have the opportunity to have a second shot at asking her to go out with you.
If she gives you the impression that she is still in a relationship but the relationship is not doing well, you could advise her to see a counsellor for advice but you should never be the one to push for it.
Finally, if she says that her relationship is alive and well and they are making good progress, then you will know that it is time to look elsewhere.
You mentioned at the beginning that when you admired her, you did not have the courage to propose love to her. Please remember that when it comes to finding a wife, you cannot afford to be timid. The English have a saying, ‘A faint heart never won a fair lady!’
A number of things can cause such unhealthy timidity and you need to do some introspection to find out what exactly is causing it in your case.
One possible cause can be a shallow friendship. Although you claim that she is your friend if your friendship is not well grounded, you will find yourself intimidated to express your feelings of love for her.
Closely related to this might be the fear that she will reject your proposal and you will feel hurt. If this is your case then you must remember that the girl has the right to accept or to reject any proposal presented to her. But you can only know what she is thinking by bravely coming out in the open and letting her know your intentions.
There might also be the fear that you might end up spoiling your current friendship if it happens that she does not share your sentiments. Yes, there might be some initial tension and uneasiness if she is not in love with you, but when the dust settles and with the passing of time the two of you should be able to relate normally again.
So there is absolutely no need for timidity.
Always answer the phone when your husband/wife is calling and when possible, try to keep your phone off when you are together with your spouse.
For any comments of questions, please send to raphaelandnamukolo@ gmail.com