Gender Gender

What causes loss of love in a relationship?

DEAR Raphael and Namukolo,
Nineteen months ago, I fell in love for the very first time in my life with this wonderful guy. Our relationship had been progressing fairly well save for the usual ups and downs. But to my surprise I have discovered that of late I no longer love him as much as I used to. I do not find his company as interesting as I used to. I cannot point to anything specific which could have caused this loss of love. What exactly can be the problem?
Dear Carol,
We understand your perplexity with your love situation. Falling in love is such a complex thing so much so that the wise man makes this confession in Proverbs 30:18-19 CEV There are three or four things I cannot understand: (19) How eagles fly so high or snakes crawl on rocks, how ships sail the ocean or people fall in love.
There are indeed a number of possible reasons that can lead to loss of love in a relationship. Let us sample some of them.
1. Poor foundation. By falling in love many young people refer to a burst of ecstatic emotions that they develop towards another person. These emotions make them want to be with that person always and they use them as the basis for starting a love relationship. Unfortunately such nice feelings are a wrong foundation on which to build a permanent love infrastructure. These feelings of love can be compared to a cloud in the sky which is there in the morning but disappears before noon. Hosea 6:4 What shall I do with you, O Ephraim? What shall I do with you, O Judah? Your love is like a morning cloud, like the dew that goes early away.
Or they can be compared to a beautiful rose flower which blossoms today but dries up tomorrow. True love is a deliberate commitment to another person based on an appreciation of their character. Obviously such commitment requires time to develop as it takes time to know and appreciate another person’s character.
Once you have established that your foundation was solid we can now move on to explore other possible causes.
2. Different interests. What the passing of time does is either to confirm that you are suitable for each other as your two characters interact or conversely to confirm otherwise. Your initial relationship needs to grow. It grows as you share and develop common interests. Time might show that after all you do not share as many things in common as you thought at first. If the two of you are not prepared to make the necessary adjustments to make your interests begin to gel, a rift will inevitably begin to form.
3. Lack of quality time. The failure to gel might also occur if you are not spending enough quality time with each other. Some of the things that can cause you not to spend enough quality time with each other are:
a. Distance: If you are operating from different towns or even countries. In order to grow, a relationship requires adequate face to face interaction. This cannot be substituted by use of the social media or phone.
b. Work or studies which might be inhibiting in nature leaving you with very little time for each other.
c. Wrong activities. You might spend a lot of time with each other but all the while be engaging in activities which do not build your relationship. You need to identify and engage in those activities which make your characters come out and interact.
d. Physical intimacy. Top most on the list of wrong activities is engaging in physical intimacy like kissing; fondling; petting or actual sexual intercourse. Contrary to popular belief among many young people, engaging in physical intimacy short circuits and thus damages your relationship.
4. Unresolved problems. If you are not resolving differences as they occur they will tend to accumulate and become difficult to resolve. Accumulating unresolved problems will progressively make your relationship unattractive.
5. Loss of trust. Any behaviour from your partner which makes you to doubt their commitment to you can begin to erode your trust and interest in them.
6. Competition. If you entered into the relationship prematurely without counting the cost, later in life as you meet other ‘more interesting’ men, you will find yourself losing interest in your current. Hence the need for maturity when committing to a relationship.
7. Lack of direction. Courtship is not an end in itself. It is a preparation for marriage. With the passing of time, settling down in marriage must be the growing reality. If this does not happen and the relationship becomes open ended with no marriage in sight, loss of interest can occur.
Guys, in your search for a wife, always remember the wisdom of Proverbs 31:30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
For comments or questions, please send to
YWCA, WLSA launch report card on GBV
THE Young Women Christian Association (YWCA) and Women and Law in Southern Africa (WLSA) have launched a four- year citizen report card on gender-based violence.
The project is aimed at targeting youth between the age of 15 and 24 years in George and Linda townships who are more vulnerable to GBV.
YWCA Lusaka region President Phosile Sichinga said in an interview recently that the project originated from a baseline survey that was conducted in the two densely populated townships.
“We discovered that the youths in these two townships are prone to vices that endanger their lives such as drug and alcohol abuse. Early marriages and teenage pregnancies have also been on the increase in the two townships,” Ms Sichinga said.
She said the project, which is dubbed Empowering Young Female Slum Dwellers in Linda and George Compound, will be implemented with financial support from Comic Relief.
Ms Sichinga said YWCA and WLSA conducted a baseline survey with 228 youth in the two townships in 2015.
She said the survey revealed that youth in the two areas have poor access to quality health care.
She said it is unfortunate that people shun reporting GBV cases to relevant authorities for fear of shame and discrimination.
“The research revealed that young people had limited knowledge on GBV due to lack of adequate sensitisation campaigns and high levels of illiteracy in the two settlements,” she said.

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