Gender Gender

Is he testing me?

I AM a lady aged 28 and I am in a relationship with a good-hearted handsome man. We have only been dating for 3 months. This man respects me so much, he has never touched me up to now and I appreciate God for giving me a man like him, he is one in a million for real. In these 3 months we have been good to each other. We have never quarreled but now I sense that he’s trying me by deliberately doing things he knows very well I do not like. For example staying for a day without proper communication because this is a cardinal thing to both of us and we have never stayed for a day without talking or calling each other. Each time he does that I feel he is testing me to see how I will react. What should I do?
Lady Zizi.
Dear Lady Zizi,
The 3 months you have been dating is too short for you to adequately know your partner and also to know for certain where your relationship is going. It is too early for example for you to know if your friend is good hearted or not, if he really respects you or not and if he is indeed one in a million or not. So you need to be very level headed when assessing both your friend and your relationship at this point in time.
You must equally beware of having a utopian view of relationships. Utopia refers to an imaginary world where everything is perfect. In real life relationships do get subjected to a lot of pressure and stress. Much as quarreling is negative and should be avoided, differing with each is normal and you just need to know how to handle the differences when they occur. If you have not had any differences yet then it just confirms how new your friendship is!
Coming to the lapses in communication, there can be a number of possible reasons and it is wrong for you to speculate that he is testing you.
We will give you a few possible reasons that can lead to a reduction in the frequency of communication.
• For a new relationship like yours there is always the possibility of committing oneself to do certain things under the influence of excitement. As time goes on the initial excitement can die down and reality begins to dawn. In this case the reality might be that he has discovered that it might not be practical to communicate every day! He might just be afraid to tell you this.
• Depending on what he is doing in life, studying, working, business…his schedule can become too busy on certain days. He might be worn out from the day’s duties.
• Other pressing issues can come into the picture – for example him having to attend to some family issues, church issues, fixing equipment etc.
• Being human, he can succumb to mood swings – he can experience a depression whereby he does not feel like talking to anyone even if you might not have differed.
• Communication means spending money on phone units unless you are going to take advantage of some promotions. So he might simply be broke!
• We know you do not want to hear this one; but he might have been a victim of infatuation when he fell in love with you. Infatuation is a short term feeling of love which soon wears out and disappears! The person then feels stuck and begins to look for a way out of the relationship. Hopefully this is not your friend’s situation but you need to be open minded and to allow for a real possibility of being disappointed. Your prince charming can grow cold feet and walk out of your life.
• The list of possibilities goes on.
Given all the above possibilities, there are a number of things you should do and others which you shouldn’t do.
Do not succumb to a spirit of insecurity. At age 28 you are in danger of growing frantic as many ladies do after age 25! This is where you become consumed with the fear that something will go wrong and that your dating will not culminate into marriage. Avoid a marriage at any cost approach to life.
Do not mount pressure on him in any way. The quickest way to sour a relationship is for you to make him feel that you are chasing him and wanting him to do things at a faster pace than he is ready to do them. So be patient and let him as much as possible take the lead.
Do not insist on always getting what you want. A relationship must operate on the principle of give and take. Things will not always happen the way you want them to happen. Take time to understand his world. Do not be overly demanding.
Do not speculate. Always endeavor to get the real answers to the situations you are passing through. For example why not just ask him why he is not communicating as per your agreement.
On the other hand there are a number of things you must do.
Do give your relationship ample time to grow at a normal natural pace without you pressing the fast forward button!
You are in a relationship, meaning it involves two people who both are responsible to communicate with the other. Do pick up the phone and call him on those days when he does not call you. Why must you always wait for him to call?
If you are in different towns know that there is a limit to how much you can depend on the electronic media to communicate. You must come up with a plan that will enable you to meet and interact more frequently.
You must be understanding in relating with your friend and do not panic. Like a river relationships pass through different stages of growth.
Finally, it is just a good idea to conduct your dating under tutorship. Meaning you should find a married and mature couple who can be your mentors.
All the best as you progress in your new found relationship.
As a married couple, you must start planning for retirement as early as possible. Start trying your hand on various income generating business ventures.
For comments or questions, please send to: or

Send Your Letters

Facebook Feed