Can we help? with PASTOR & MRS BANDA
Dear Raphael and Namukolo,
I need your help. My marriage is on the rocks. My wife complains that I do not satisfy her sexually and she compares me to other men she has had in the past. I do not know what to do as I am trying my level best. Should I resort to using performance enhancing drugs? I am afraid of the side effects. DD
Your problem is a common one in many marriages, the only difference being that many women do not speak out in the way your wife has spoken out.
Many men enter marriage without receiving adequate preparation in form of counselling. And so they assume that they will perform satisfactorily in the bedroom. And if they were sexually active prior to getting married they conclude that the marriage experience should be the same as the experiences they have had outside marriage.
Let us start with the conclusion that it is not advisable to resort to using sex-enhancing drugs unless there is a medical condition that has been diagnosed by a doctor who then prescribes the drug. You are right to fear the side effects of taking self-prescribed sex enhancing drugs. You can compromise your health. Some of these drugs can damage your heart and thus endanger your life. In addition, just taking a drug will not improve your technique even if the drug were to increase your physical capability.
Rather, you need to identify the cause of your poor performance as well as the reasons why your wife is complaining.
Let us take you through some common sources of trouble in the bedroom, which should help you to do some quick troubleshooting.
1. Ignorance. As we have already pointed out, usually, females are taught whilst their male counterparts are not. Successful sex in marriage will not just happen. Get some education from good counsellors as well as from good sex manuals. You need to understand the sexual orientation of females. Many ignorant husbands make the mistake of behaving as if the female biological make-up is the same as that of males. This is recipe for disaster.
2. Past experiences. Rather than being an advantage, past sexual encounters outside marriage tend to become a big liability. Making comparisons like your wife is doing is both unwise and very detrimental to a marriage. In her quest for answers, your wife must be counselled to desist from making comparisons and, instead, work together with you to improve your marriage experience. You equally need to undergo counselling if you also engaged in premarital sex.
3. Physical health. Some health conditions can greatly affect your performance, for example high blood pressure and diabetes and their related medication. Unfortunately, many couples do not even know that one of them has got such a condition and they keep on witch-hunting as to the cause of the poor bedroom performance. Hence the need for all of us to go for regular medical check-ups.
4. The environment. Sex in marriage is a private affair that requires adequate privacy. Wives are normally more sensitive to this requirement than their husbands. If your home environment is such that your children or dependents can very easily access it, or hear what is going on in your bedroom, then your love life will definitely be compromised.
5. Sobriety. If you drink alcohol, taking too much of it can interfere with your performance and the smell of alcohol and the behaviour associated with it can negatively affect your wife.
6. Stress. It is possible that your life is full of stress, be it job-related or otherwise. Stress tends to accumulate with time and it is a silent killer in the bedroom. Make deliberate plans to occasionally go for outings with your wife to help the two of you to de-stress.
7. Hygiene. Sex is a physical activity which requires high levels of hygiene. Bathing, brushing one’s teeth, having good breath, etc, are non-negotiable and if not observed can tend to lower one’s attractiveness.
8. General quality of your relationship as husband and wife. Unresolved conflicts, grudges and bitterness will soon find themselves in your bed and they will spoil everything. So, endeavour to maintain a healthy relationship on a daily basis.
9. Fantasy. Engaging in sexual fantasies will rob you of desire for your spouse. Men who are addicted to pornography, for example, are killing their marriage bed.
10. Infidelity. Unfaithfulness to one’s partner is the surest way of dealing a death blow to a successful love life in marriage. This should be a no-go area to a married couple.
The devil comes to steal, kill and destroy. Do not give him a foothold in your relationship.
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