Can we help? with PASTOR & MRS BANDA
DEAR Raphael and Namukolo,
I need honest advice from women. I have been in a relationship with a man for six months. When I met this man, he told me he had a two-month-old baby and that the pregnancy was not intentional because he was not in a relationship with the woman.
Sometime later, I found out that he was actually in a serious relationship with her and he had even taken tumbale. When I confronted him, he denied ever seeing her and taken tumbale. I have continued seeing this man and we are always together. I always go to his house, we go out and we are close.
Now kindly advise me, is this man honest with me, are there chances he could marry his baby mama and not me?
Is this man being honest with you? You have already answered your own question. The answer is no, the man is telling you lies and you know it. You are living in denial and hoping that a nasty situation will somehow have a happy ending. Unfortunately, life does not work like that. Come to your senses, dear lady, and begin to think with your head and not with your heart.
Your man has all the makings of a casanova, who is not honest in what he says. The Bible exhorts us to let our yes be yes and no be no. Matthew 5:37 says: “Simply let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes’, and your ‘No’, ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.”
Consider the following evidence proving that he is not honest. Firstly, he told you that he had a two months old baby and that the pregnancy just happened. Pregnancies don’t just happen, unless it was a rape case. There should be some kind of relationship leading to the two people sleeping with each other. So do not buy his story.
Two months is too recent. No decent family is going to allow their daughter to be impregnated by a man without taking him to task. The case is definitely still pending and might take some time to be settled. He cannot just walk away from a pregnancy without being held accountable by the girl and her family.
You, therefore, need to get first-hand information of what is happening between your man friend and the mother to his child. You can go straight to her and ask her amicably or if this is not possible, assign this task to mediators who can approach the girl and her family to find out on your behalf.
Secondly, you tell us that you actually discovered that he was in a serious relationship with the same lady and that he had even taken tumbale to her people. How did you discover this and why are you ignoring such incriminating evidence against the sincerity of your man? Why are you choosing to believe his stories instead of believing the evidence at hand? Again, if there is any shadow of doubt, you must settle this matter once and for all by asking your people to engage the family of the girl who was impregnated. Do not base your decisions on the word of your friend. He has already proven that he cannot be trusted.
Six months is too short a time to know someone well from scratch. You must give yourself more time to discover your partner and you must involve counsellors to help you with the process. The only way you can discover if this man is serious with marrying you is by going through the process we have outlined to you. Do not live on false hope or wishful thinking. Get tangible evidence. Remember that this man might be leading you through the same path he led the other lady. Before you know it, you will be carrying his child and he will run away claiming that there was no relationship and the pregnancy just happened.
Your friend’s behaviour is most likely a character problem. Character problems do not just disappear with time. Unless there is divine intervention, your man friend’s behaviour will most likely recur as the Bible warns us it will.
Matthew 7:16-18 says: “By their fruit you will recognise them. Do people pick grapes from thorn bushes, or figs from thistles? Likewise, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit.”
Do not be so desperate for marriage that you ignore all the danger signs. He might not just leave you with a child but also with a broken heart, a broken life and perhaps even with a deadly disease.
Take care Tina and do not walk into the fire with your eyes wide open.
For comments and suggestions, email: firstname.lastname@example.org
Can we help? with PASTOR & MRS BANDA