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My sexless marriage: What shall I do? I need help

DEAR Pastor,
I HAVE been married for 15 years and our sex life has been great but for the past one year it has just gone down. At times we have it once – four times in a month. But in the night I see my husband with an erection in his sleep. I get so needy what could be the problem?
ANS: My dear sister,
Thank you for writing on this sensitive and emotional matter. This problem that you are facing can either make or break a marriage. Traditionally it is thought that men are the ones that seek out physical relations more than women but in rare cases and when women have less children, very often their sex drive can exceed that of their husbands.
Fifteen years of marriage is quite a milestone and congratulations for this. Let me now attempt to give you an insight on the male libido. A man can attain an erection even a 100 times a day but that is not a measure for arousal. As the years advance most men’s sex drive decreases and so you find that you do not meet as often as you used to.
Also most men, when they feel comfortable in their relationship no longer see the importance of romancing their wives.
Another aspect, is erectile dysfunction, which afflicts many men aged over 35, and if this is the case, you must be supportive and understanding.
The temptation is usually to seek satisfaction elsewhere but you should stand strong. If you turn to the Book of Esther, you will see how the art of seduction and wisdom helped her become Queen. Use your current frustrations to identify the things that might help your husband relax and respond to your needs.
I can assure you that simply complaining may have an opposite effect.
A man also does not need to be thought of as a mere object to be used and take time to help him feel good about himself in the knowledge that his wife respects, loves and desires him. Do not suffer in silence. Blessings!
How will I know he is the one?
Dear Pastor,
Please help! How can you know if you dating the right person?
ANS: Many movies, songs and poems talk about everlasting true love.
And many young women expend a lot of energies looking for The One.
My simple answer to the question is, are you yourself The One?
The right marriage partner will respect and love you and want to honour you. There are no shortcuts.
You cannot go into a relationships with the opposite sex simply for the sake of hoping to find love. First ask yourself if you are ready to be a girlfriend and what it is that you have to offer. Then try and find out the type of man that would best suit your personality and then be patient – he will find you.
If you already have a boyfriend/fiancée and you are asking this question, then he is not the one. A fat pay check, fancy car and good looks are not the only qualifications for a good husband. Blessings!
Readers’ responses:
‘Masturbation is sin’
Dear Pastor
I just want to add to your response you gave on the masturbation question published in the Sunday Mail. Vividly masturbation is a sin. In the Bible remember in Genesis 38:6-10, Onan was killed by God due to the process of spilling the semen on the ground. This in the sight of God is evil and unclean.
Can I divorce an unfaithful wife?
Dear Pastor,
Can I divorce an unfaithful wife? This question appeared a fortnight ago and I feel you rightly answered it. I also discovered that my wife was unfaithful since 2010. I caught her red-handed with a man she used to deny of having an affair with at a lodge in Lusaka in August last year. She apologised and we are still together. We married in 2004 and we have one child. We are both Christians. I have tried to do what a man can do to please his wife including being faithful. The only problem I have now is how to trust my beloved wife again. I feel I have not fully recovered from that traumatising experience.
ANS: When you forgive, you tear the record of wrongs (I Corinthians 13) and throw the past behind. Keep on loving, forgiving and forgiving, 70 times seven. (Matthew 18:21- 22), healing will one day completely come. Seek the help of your pastor to pray with both of you for speedy recovery. Blessings!
Love lines HIV-positive people’s requests
Dear Pastor,
In your Sunday Column, love lines HIV positive people advertise themselves wanting other HIV-positive partners. Please I find this tantamount to stigma. Why? Because we have a lot of people who are HIV-positive and married to HIV-negative partners. Even the HIV-negative people may be dating HIV-positive partners.
Love lines:
Dear Pastor,
I am a man aged 25, looking for a serious lady to marry. She should be a virgin. Contact: 0955363720, Ndola.
Dear Pastor,
I am a lady aged 50, looking for a man to settle down with, aged 55-60, positive living with children. Contact 0950- 358219.
Dear Pastor,
I am a male HIV-positive man aged 45, looking for a lady 30-35 to marry. Call or text: 0961-184152.
Dear Pastor,
I am a teacher with two children looking for a lady – a teacher – aged 32-35. Call 0963-175220.
Dear Pastor,
I am a man aged 40, HIV-positive looking for a lady 35-45 with children and God-fearing. 0964-239057.
Dear Pastor,
I am a lady aged 38 and HIV-positive looking for a life partner of the same status. Call or SMS 0963-463204.
Dear Pastor,
I am a young man aged 26 looking for a lady to marry. Contact: 0965-765636.
Dear Pastor
I am a single young man aged 31 with a baby girl, looking for a God-fearing lady aged 19-23. Call 0972-995299.
Tip of the week
Marriage: “A partner does not need to be thought of as a mere object to be used by his/ her spouse, but be made to feel respected, loved and desired”. Blessings!
Comments and questions email or thabokatai@gmail. com. Text 0955/0967- 778068.

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