YOUR FAMILY MATTERS with PASTOR CHANDA
Thursday, 4 December 2014: As I walked into the home of Cuthbert and Juliana, they looked exhausted. Both of them were bleeding and their clothes were torn. Their children were peeping and looking traumatised. It was clear that they were terribly afraid.
I asked what had happened and heard that the fight began because Cuthbert had sent money to his mother without telling Juliana about it. When she asked for money in the home he told her that he did not have any money. He even accused her of extravagance.
Well, a few minutes later a text message arrived on Cuthbert’s phone from his mother thanking him for the K5,000 he had sent her. Juliana was the first to see the message and she quickly asked him about it. He did not want to talk about it. That only infuriated Juliana.
As a result in her anger Juliana went into a tirade of abusive words. She told him that he should have married his mother instead of taking her for a ride. As the words got more abusive, Cuthbert punched her in the face sending her sprawling across the floor.
Juliana did not take this lightly and she came back charging at him like a wounded buffalo. Cuthbert overpowered her while the fight was without weapons. However, Juliana got an axe and came for him. That was when he ran into the bathroom and locked the door.
Juliana was mad and she began to break down the door, threatening to kill him once she entered. Thankfully, Cuthbert had his phone with him. So, he called me and I rushed there. To avoid finding him dead, I called Juliana on her phone and told her I was coming.
That was how Juliana stopped in her tracks and sat down on their bed waiting for her husband to come out. He was not a fool. He remained in the bathroom until I arrived. That was when he emerged from there, looking like he had survived a suicide bomb attack.
As usual, when people become physical in sorting out their marital differences you can be sure that their failure to talk things over began much earlier. Cuthbert and Juliana were living in tension for a very long time. They were like an explosive waiting to be ignited.
I told them, “You don’t do that! When you know that you are living with unresolved issues, go for marital counselling. Bring in someone you both respect so that they can help you think things through and arrive at the best way forward. Call your church elders!”
I told them that fighting is for beasts. It is mere animal instinct. Animals are not able to reason. They want what they want at whatever the cost. They will claw and bite and kick until the other animal is killed. Human beings should not reduce themselves to that level.
“What do you gain by fighting?” I asked them. “Cuthbert, let us suppose you beat the hell out of Juliana, was she going to become submissive to you? Juliana, let us suppose you beat the hell out of Cuthbert, were you going to make him put you first in his life? Never!”
The only reason why we fight is because we are angry. The Bible says, “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God” (James 1:19-20).
When you are angry, know that you are potentially destructive. You may not kill your spouse but you can leave them maimed for life. Sadly, others have killed their spouses in that moment of uncontrolled anger and lived to regret it for the rest of their lives. It is terrible!
It does not matter what the provocation is. Even if you found your spouse in bed with someone else, walk away. Go to a friend’s house. Weep there until your anger subsides. If you get a knife or a gun and start fighting, your anger will turn you into a murderer.
I finally made it clear to Cuthbert and Juliana that violence was a basis for divorce. Life was more important than marriage in the sense that if you killed your spouse there would be no marriage anyway. One would be in the grave and the other would end up in prison!
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