Can we help? with PASTOR & MRS BANDA
Dear Raphael and Namukolo,
I am a man aged 32. I got married on Saturday last week. The issue is that, recently, my wife prepared nshima at lunch as every woman does but the relish was not well cooked. When I tried to talk to her the response was bad. Because of this, she even left the place and went back to her parents saying I am a bad person. What can I do? Please help. Jose.
What has happened in your life is indeed unfortunate but you need to quickly identify and address the cause.
The reaction from your new wife is definitely extreme. Let us explore some possible reasons.
• A shallow foundation. Meaning that you did not fully utilise your courtship. The period of courtship is a time for a couple to consolidate their friendship and begin to adjust to each other’s characters and personalities. This takes time and effort and will not happen automatically. It calls for the couple to engage in activities that will make them open up and discover each other more. By the time courtship is ending, you should have a very good understanding of the things that upset your partner and how they react when they are upset. Unfortunately, many courting couples squander this period away by engaging in unnecessary and sometimes even harmful activities, which only tend to compromise the relationship. Knowing each other also means you become very free with each other to the point of bearing with each other’s failings. It seems this did not happen in your case.
• Arranged marriage. The other indicator points to the type of marriage you have entered into. There are different types of marriages, namely secular, traditional, Christian, or a mixture of all the three. It is possible yours was an arranged traditional type of marriage. In this type of marriage, the relatives, and not the couple themselves, play a major role in initiating the coming together of the two. There is very little room for meaningful courtship, and by the time the two are wedding, they are still strangers to each other and they must start the process of getting to know each other from scratch. This might be the reason your wife has quickly rushed off to her parents’ home.
• Ineffective communication. One of the major objectives of courtship is to learn how to communicate with your partner. For most of us, it is like learning how to talk all over again. This is because communication goes beyond merely expressing ourselves in words. It involves choosing the right words; choosing the right timing to say what we want to say; using the right voice intonation; adopting the right body language; having the right attitude and facial expression, etc. It also, as of paramount importance, involves being a good listener and managing our emotions like anger. Failing to engage in effective communication with your partner is a recipe for trouble.
• Possible unresolved problems. There is another possibility that your wife was already upset from something that might have happened either before the wedding or just after. In marriage, unresolved problems in one area of the relationship have a way of popping up in other areas. Your audit should therefore include reviewing what happened in other departments of your lives before and after your wedding.
• Necessity for a honeymoon. Ideally, the first week of your marriage should have found you away from home enjoying a time of honeymoon. The honeymoon will assist you to adjust to each other in a relaxed atmosphere. Many couples will give lack of finances as the reason for not going for a honeymoon. Yet the same couple will spend a lot of money on a wedding reception. This is wrong as you need the honeymoon far much more than you need the wedding reception. Better to have a small reception just for close friends and relatives and save the bulk of the money for a honeymoon.
• The possibility of a pregnancy. It is possible your wife might have conceived and is expecting. For some women pregnancy can come with extreme mood swings and you need to have this in mind as you seek to understand your wife’s extreme reaction.
In seeking to resolve the current impasse, you will need to send an apology to your wife for anything wrong you might have done.
After your wife returns home, the two of you will need to undergo serious post-marital counselling.
Identify potential counsellors for your relationship before prob¬lems arise.
Can we help? with PASTOR & MRS BANDA