Gender Gender

My wife and her boss are fond of each other

CAN WE HELP? with PASTOR & Mrs BANDA
WE HAVE been married for six years now and we have two children. My wife has got a very good job with one of the big companies in town. Of late I have heard rumours from some of her workmates that she spends a lot of time with her boss and that he seems to favour her a lot. To make it worse when we are together at home she keeps on talking about her work and how good her boss is. I have now started being suspicious. Is my wife having an affair with her boss? Thomas.
Dear Thomas,
It is very clear that you are quickly giving in to a spirit of suspicion and listening to rumors. If not harnessed these two will make you destroy with your own hands the marriage which you have labored to build over the past six years.
By definition, an affair is an illicit or illegal love relationship. A person having an affair is cheating on their spouse. They are involved first emotionally and then physically with a person who is not their spouse. To accuse your spouse of having an affair is a very serious thing which needs to be substantiated. It is similar to accusing someone of having committed a criminal act. Great caution must therefore be exercised in approaching your situation.
You are basing your suspicions on rumours. Let us seek to understand what happens in work places. Those in formal employment spend the bulk of their time at work. Work draws people close to each other as they must complete many tasks together. This is more so with jobs which involve close liaison between the superior and the subordinate. It might require them to work long hours together or even to make trips together. It is just the nature of their work.
Furthermore different bosses show appreciation for their junior’s hard work in different ways. Some will buy them gifts or give them compliments. Those who have a number of subordinates under them might gravitate towards those who are hardworking and more committed. Similarly the boss will spend more time with those who report to them directly compared to those who are not. Certain assignments might also require that the two work closely together over a period of time.
Unfortunately, where the boss and the subordinate are man and woman, those workmates who are not directly involved and are judging from a distance will not be in a position to understand the different intricacies of that work environment. This might lead them to fabricate rumours which have no basis at all. For you to listen to such rumours is to commit marital suicide. Immediately you come across such rumours do not spare the rumour monger. Let him or her tell you the source of their story and let them produce the evidence. They should further be ready to stand as witnesses and should not ask you to ‘keep them out of the picture’! Never allow anyone who is not prepared to stand as a witness and to be cross examined by your spouse to drive a wedge between you and your spouse.
The other factor that breeds rumours in work places is petty jealousies. Those workers who feel sidelined by the boss might begin to attack their counterpart who they feel is receiving preferential treatment. As we have already observed, the preferential treatment might be a direct result of hard work and dedication on the part of the one receiving it.
But is it not a fact that sometimes affairs do happen between bosses and their subordinates in the work place? Yes they do. But when they happen you can recognise them by their distinct features. Some of the features that should make you suspect that your spouse is having an affair with her boss include:
• Engaging in non-work related interaction outside the work place. For example the two begin to link up at a club, cinema, or eating place.
• Engaging in non-work related conversation on phone; WhatsApp; Facebook or email. This might involve sharing content of a personal and intimate nature.
• Being seen in compromising postures like walking hand in hand or kissing each other
• Being caught red handed in a sexual act
• Not wanting to talk about her boss. Your wife’s talking about her work and her boss is therefore a positive and not negative sign!
From what you have shared Thomas, there does not seem to be any evidence that your wife and her boss are having an affair. You are better off sorting out the rumour mongers who are sowing seeds of doubt in your mind!
RELATIONSHIP TIP
In every argument, remember that there won’t be a “winner” and a “loser.” You are partners. Work together to find a solution.

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