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Of mobile phones and lovers’ codenames

TORN APART with BOYD PHIRI
WHAT have you done in readiness for February 14, or is it Valentine’s Day? I hope it’s something good for your missus, at least to check if she can still proudly say to you that “I love you”.
This occasion is worth it when it comes to renewing your love for each other, otherwise you may find that your spouse has eloped with someone else while still under your roof.
However, the purpose of this piece of writing is not to explain the meaning of Valentine’s Day, which I guess most adults know what it means and have named their babies after the occasion. I am sure you have heard about Valentine Sakala or Valentine Kayope.
Let’s talk about mobile phones and how the technology has negatively affected relationships in various homes.
Indeed, something unimaginable is happening through mobile phones and it is taking an irritable form, which 30 years ago would have been considered a taboo. Of course, we are helpless without mobile phones.
I don’t mean to alarm you, but there is a lot of cheating going on, what with all those frightening text messages we hear about nowadays stemming from acts of infidelity.
You may have heard about some people – married people who have been sending each other text messages in one of those secret love affairs.
Having read some of the SMS exchanges in a local newspaper, I concluded that it isn’t easy to find better words to codename your lover and hide a fling from your hubby.
If you’re thinking of potential names, please don’t be too creative. Otherwise, you might end up learning the alphabet all over again to find a better way of keeping the affair on the phone secret.
Take for instance codenaming your lover as XYZ. Of course this is not what came out of the newspaper.
When your wife asks you who XYZ is, you say they are initials of your male friend called, “Xenophobia Yoram Zulu.
But be careful because out of curiosity your missus would ask, “Why is your friend encouraging xenophobia or has he not learnt about the trauma it has caused to some foreigners living in South Africa?
Sometimes such code names are difficult to remember. When you’re asked while in a drunken stupor you forget what you earlier said the letters stood for and end up saying something different like, “Xylophone Yelesani Zimba”.
Some people would save their lovers in their phones as EFG, which when probed by their wives to reveal what it stands for, they would hastily say, “Elephant Fackson Gondwe.
Are you sure your friend is called Elephant or is it a slip of a tongue?
As I said earlier, whatever name you choose, try not to be as creative as some musicians with stage names like CQ, PJ, DMK, DOP.
This would prompt more questions – why would someone think of a name of an animal like Elephant, when there are common names starting with the letter E like Evans, Ephat or Emmanuel?
Although people may have a lot of freedom in choosing their names, why would the abbreviations some people use to codename their lovers in phones carry weird names?
I am told some married women save their lovers’ names as Violence. That’s worse than Xylophone or Elephant.
When queried over the name, one realises that she might as well have written it as Violet. “I made a mistake, I meant to write Violet, a friend of mine,” one would say.
If you thought Violence seems like a terrible nickname for one to give to their lover, just wait till you see what another person codenamed her lover: Super sub. She named him like that borrowing from the common language in football, perhaps the guy takes her to football matches unlike her husband who spends time drinking beer in bars.
Maybe the first time they met the guy was going to watch a football match and asked her, “Would you like to accompany me to watch a football match between Zanaco and Zesco?
And from there, she heard some supporters referring to a player who scored a goal shortly after being instroduced in the 85th minute as super sub.
Watch out for these nicknames or else you may find that your missus has codenamed you in her mobile phone as faultfinder.
bjboydphiri@yahoo.com

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