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Is sex a duty in marriage?

Dear pastor,
IS SEX a duty in marriage? I ask this question because I have been having problems with my husband.
Each time he wants us to make love and I am not ready or tired, he says that’s why he married me.
He would go on ranting, saying as a woman, it is my duty to give a service daily. If this is what marriage means, I find it to be unbearable. What is your advice?
ANS: Dear friend treating sex as a ‘duty’ (the reason why a woman is married) is a narrow view of the bigger picture.
These are people’s extremes of selfishness propelled by cultural and traditional beliefs. Sexual intercourse is treated and perceived as a ‘duty’ by many people, no wonder there so many misunderstandings in marriage today.
From the broader view, sexual intercourse is an intimate expression of affection between husband and wife. Sex without compulsion should occur naturally like Solomon puts it in the right perspective, “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine”. (Song of Solomon 1:2,7, 2:3-6).
This woman here has tasted both sex and wine but according to her, a man’s love is better than wine. This means therefore that both husband and wife have to ensure love is like oil to make sex pleasurable and not as a duty. If sex becomes a ‘duty’ and it happens to fail, that will be a time for things to crumble.
While some men want to have sex every three hours and others once a week, almost universally men find sex pleasurable.
This is not true for most women. With due respect to one’s conjugal rights (I Cor 7:1-5), I believe the whole scenario hinges on communication with each other.
Suppose your spouse is sick, do you go ahead and demand for sex because it’s one’s duty to do so? I do not think so. We ‘postpone’ our sexual feelings until our lovely friend has recovered and is in the best health state.
Dear, you can have a great marriage and still have a louse sex life, but the quality of your marriage is still the foundation for sexual intimacy.
Ask yourself a few questions to determine the current health of your marriage: Do you trust your spouse? Is he sensitive to your needs? Do you communicate with each other about sex? Are there secrets, bitterness, or unresolved tensions between you?
The Bible calls sexual intimacy in marriage a privileged ‘mystery’ by which two, man and woman become one (Ephesian 5:32, Gen 2:24).
So, you and your husband should start talking today about what is good for both of you to enjoy sex, (Song of Solomon 2:3). Make sex pleasurable! Blessings!
Women dump and shy away from me
Dear pastor,
I am a man aged 40 with 5 children. My problem is that since we divorced with my former wife 4 years ago, I have tried to find a single lady to marry. But each time I find one and after engagement, it appears that she disappears with no plausible reason.
The women I find love me at first sight but later, they even switch off their phones. I suspect my former wife might have done some juju for women to hate me.
What shall I do? I have tried for too long to find a lady who can love me for who I am not what I have.
ANS: Brother thanks for your text. Your case is unique in that most affected in this area of life are the women folk.
But before we hasten to make such an assumption of having been ‘bewitched’ by your former wife for ladies to avoid you, we should foremost analyse the whole matter carefully without pointing a finger at anyone.
Our analysis should draw its genesis from your previous marriage, that is, what led to your divorce after fathering five children.
What was the main issue that led to your separation if I may ask you? Why did you divorce with your former wife? What went wrong with your former wife? I believe these and many more questions every lady you approach to marry would ask you.
If these questions and many others can be answered satisfactorily, you stand a chance to be accepted by some ladies.
I am not fully convinced that your rejection by women has nothing to do with black magic. Remember you are a father of five.
It has to do with your past, your five children and in the manner you present yourself to potential women.
Women are looking for responsible men, who have the capacity to look after and fend for their families.
To me you sound like you’re carrying a heavy load of unfinished business from your past marriage.
From this point in time I would advise you first sort out the mess left by your previous marriage before you can engage any other woman.
Your unfinished business may be triggering fear in the mind of your ‘fiancées’. So, consider this issue seriously before embarking on a ‘hunt’ for women.
Women are and will always be there for you, just do the right thing now, and things will fall in place. Put your house and life in order.
Have you explained this issue to your local pastor? Let him know your intentions of remarrying so that you can receive his advice and support in your quest to remarry. Blessings!
Dear pastor,
I am a man aged 32 looking for a God-fearing woman aged between 21 and 25 to marry, a teacher or doing tertiary education. Sms 0954-602126.
Dear pastor,
I am a woman aged 25 with 2 children looking for a serious man aged between 28 and 35. 0971-442688.
Dear pastor,
I am a man aged 40 with 5 children looking for a mature lady to marry within the Copperbelt aged between 25 and 35 with 1 or 2 children who is ready to settle down. Call 0976-681566,
Dear pastor,
I am man aged 27 looking for a Christian life partner within Lusaka aged 22-23. 0976-702779.
Dear pastor,
I am a lady aged 36, looking for serious man with same status HIV+. 0962-165589
Marriage: Be free in your physical expression of love to your spouse. Songs of Songs 1:2; 2:10. Blessings!
More answers in the next edition and ensure you get a copy every Sunday. Meanwhile let’s continue interacting via email or or sms 0967/0955-778068. Emailing is encouraged for quick response.