Can we help? with PASTOR & MRS BANDA
DEAR Raphael and Namukolo,
I am a woman aged 28 and in a relationship with a good hearted handsome man. We have only dated for three months. This man respects me so much. He has never touched me up to now and I appreciate God for giving me a man like him. He is one in a million.
In the three months, we have been good to each other. We have never quarrelled but now I sense that he’s trying me by deliberately doing things he knows very well I do not like.
For example, staying for a day without proper communication, because this is a cardinal thing to both of us and we have never stayed not even for a day without talking or calling each other. What should I do?
Dear lady Zizi,
The three months you have been dating is too short for you to adequately know your partner and also to know for certain where your relationship is going. It is too early for example for you to know if your friend is good hearted or not, if he really respects you or not, and if he is indeed one in a million or not. So you need to be very level headed when assessing both your friend and your relationship at this point in time.
You must equally be wary of having an utopian view of relationships. Utopia refers to an imaginary world where everything is perfect. In real life, relationships do get subjected to a lot of pressure and stress.
Much as quarrelling is negative and should be avoided, differing with each other is normal and you just need to know how to handle the differences when they occur. If you have not had any differences yet, then it just confirms how new your friendship is.
Coming to the lapses in communication, there can be a number of possible reasons and it is wrong for you to speculate that he is testing you.
We will give you a few possible reasons that can lead to a reduction in the frequency of communication.
• For a new relationship like yours, there is always the possibility of committing oneself to do certain things under the influence of excitement. As time goes on, the initial excitement can wear out and reality begins to dawn.
• Depending on what he is doing in life; studying, working, or business, his schedule can become too busy on certain days. He might be worn out from the day’s duties.
• Other pressing issues can come into the picture. For example, him having to attend to some family issues, church issues, and fixing equipment, etc.
• Being human, he can succumb to mood swings. He can experience a depression whereby he does not feel like talking to anyone even if you might not have differed.
• Communication entails spending money on phone units unless you are going to take advantage of some promotions. So he might simply be broke.
Given all the above possibilities, there are a number of things you should do and others which you should not do.
Do not succumb to a spirit of insecurity. At the age 28, you are in danger of growing frantic as many ladies do after age 25. This is where you become consumed with the fear that something will go wrong and that your dating will not culminate into marriage. Avoid a marriage at any cost approach to life.
Do not mount pressure on him in any way. The quickest way to sour a relationship is for you to make him feel that you are chasing after him and wanting him to do things at a faster pace than he is ready to do them. So be patient and let him as much as possible take the lead.
Do not speculate. Always endeavour to get the real answers to the situations you are passing through. For example, why not just ask him why he is not communicating as per your agreement?
On the other hand, there are a number of things you must do.
Do give your relationship ample time to grow at a normal natural pace without you pressing the fast-forward button.
You are in a relationship, meaning it involves two people who both are responsible to communicate with the other. Do pick up the phone and call him on those days when he does not call you. Why must you always wait for him to call?
If you are in different towns, know that there is a limit to how much you can depend on the electronic media to communicate. You must come up with a plan that will enable you to meet and interact more frequently.
You must be understanding in relating with your friend and do not panic. Like a river, relationships pass through different stages of growth.
Be concerned with the truth and not with rumours.
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