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‘I’m not what my fiancé wants’

Dear Pastor,
I AM afraid. I thought in order to make my fiancé happy, I needed to be more like him.
I put pressure on myself to please and appease him by making sure our choices aligned until one day I couldn’t handle it any more.

It turns out that I am not what my fiancé wants anyway. He was attracted to my strong-willed personality when we started dating, so why should I suddenly feel the need to change myself to become more like him?

ANS: Sis thanks for your text. It’s not easy to hide your identity in your fiancé. However, as couples live together for a long time in marriage do become adorable, and wise as such they cannot not be more different.
We have a lot to learn from each other. I have a lot to learn from my wife and so she does.
You are still responsible for yourself, and still have to answer for yourself.
Be advised as Christians in your early days of marriage that you’re going to need to always lean more heavily on Christ than you do on each other. Remember we are men and women with flaws and weaknesses.
What I have learnt and still learning about marriage and identity is that the more you love someone, the more comfortable you should be with being your truest, weirdest self.
The Bible says a lot about marriage. It tells men to leave their families and cleave to their wives.
In Mark 10:1-12, Jesus tells the Pharisees that in marriage, two become one flesh. He likens divorce to ripping apart one body. But that does not mean we have to be the same person.
I would suggest to you that God wants us to become more truly ourselves as we cultivate intimacy with our spouse in Christian marriage.
The most beautiful and fruitful marriages are ones in which both spouses commit to developing themselves as individuals while growing in relationship with each other.
And in his perfect plan, he allows us to remain two separate people, in one body.
It will take a lifetime for each of us to learn how to do this well, but at this point, I’m just thankful I don’t have to start ironing my shirts every morning.
Who should be blamed, parents or children?
Dear Pastor,
I wish to join current debate about children who participated in the sex party and were rounded up by police.
For such incidences taking place in a Christian nation, who should be blamed, parents or children?
There are circumstances where as parents we are doing our very best but when children go out, they do the opposite of what they are taught at home. What is your view?
ANS: Thanks for you text. This matter has been very hot since September 1, 2017. I have heard several views on this topic, some being extremely out of proportion regarding parenting.
This question reminds me of what transpired in the marriage of Abraham-Sarah and Hagar (Genesis 16).
Who was to blame, Sarah for allowing the husband to briefly marry the maid or Abraham who accepted and agreed to the wife’s proposal? After their hot argument, God just appealed to Abraham to be holy (Genesis 17).
I do not think our role is to find out whom to heap blame on. Well, parents have a huge task, no doubt about it.
Let’s all agree at this stage whatever our children do out there whether good or bad has a bearing on the parents.
In our African context, when our children go out they reflect the homes they are coming from – whether decent or a weird family.
Parents should therefore continue providing guidance to their children. In my own considered view, children no matter the age they attain, we have a life time duty to discipline, coach, teach, model, shape and create responsible citizens in our children.
The Bible gives evidence of parents who continued to give guidance to their children.
Abraham had influence over Isaac until he died (Genesis 24). Isaac too had great influence on the twin sons Esau and Jacob (Genesis 27).
Isaac demonstrated that he had all it took to shape the twins into what he really wanted them to be.
Out of all his efforts he developed two power men who have made history – the Edomites and Israelites.
Nevertheless, every child has his own ‘bend’. To explain this I picture a tree to represent the family.
The stem of the tree represents parents and the branches, children. Each branch of the tree has its own bend – its own direction.
This means that not all branches grow in the same direction and if you try to physically force the branch to change its direction it will break. This is what happens to children when they are growing up.
For instance, if you have five children, one out of them will behave in a very weird manner and will be indeed a thorn in the parent’s flesh.
Some of the behaviour of children really counters the efforts of parents, this is why I suggest that as parents we should not relent to talk to them, let them know you are not happy with weird behaviour and demand change. Blessings!
Love lines:
I am woman aged 31 looking for a God fearing man from any church without children and must be tall within Lusaka. Call or sms on 0954-439794.
I am a man aged 30 looking for catholic charismatic renewal female friends between 24-29 country wide. Can call 0979-307667.
I am a woman aged 29 with 4 children living in Lusaka, looking for serious man to marry aged 30-40 with HIV+ in Lusaka. 0968-613054.
I am a single man aged 24 born with HIV, looking for a Christian woman who will accept me for who I am. 0966-373687.
I am a woman aged 50 looking for a husband aged 50-70 with stable income. 0975-471195.
I am a woman aged 39 from North Western Province, I want a man aged 42-47. 0967-890983.
I am woman aged 27 single without children looking for a serious man aged 30-35 who likes natural women. 0977-755392.
Tip of the week
Marriage: Sex is a lot more than just sharing your body, it’s a journey of intimacy. Blessings!
More answers in the next edition and ensure you get a copy every Sunday. Meanwhile let’s continue interacting via email or or sms 0967/0955-778068. Emailing is encouraged for quick response


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