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I’m a married woman but unhappy

GODLY COUNSEL with PASTOR PHILLIP KATAI
Dear Pastor,
I am a married woman but I feel unhappy. I am very educated and more qualified than my husband. Doesn’t happiness come when you’ve achieved your goals?
ANS: Sister thanks for your text. Collectively, you should work at goals and not happiness. Be honest with one another. Also be loving, kind, gentle, and humble as you delve deep into your relationship and your life desires. “We will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church” (Ephesians 4:15).
Be willing to share leadership with your husband and work as a unit. Decide to enjoy one another, set aside daily cares. Sprinkle your talk with “I love you.”
Be flexible, you each have different ways of approaching life and its issues. Set goals, record them with a date, ponder them, pray over them together and separately. “Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and he will help you” (Psalm 37:5).
Remember, this is not a vacation, but an intentional way of getting to know one another better. The purpose is to understand each other better and to mutually set goals so you intentionally walk your life-path together as friends and lovers, husband and wife, partners in life. “You have shown me the way of life, and you will fill me with the joy of your presence” (Acts 2:28). Blessings!
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I am married but cannot enjoy sex
Dear Pastor,
I have been married for 20 years now but I have never enjoyed sex. I hate sex. It makes me angry to hear my husband even suggest that I am supposed to be enjoying it. Honestly, I do it because I’m supposed to. Kindly advise.
ANS: Well madam, every woman’s story is different. I am not offering a naive formula that will guarantee a miracle in your life. But I do believe God is able to bring healing into every woman’s heart.
Before we hastily cite ‘spiritual husbands,’ it is worth addressing some common barriers that prevent women from enjoying sex. Some men want to have sex every three hours and others once a week, almost universally men find sex pleasurable. This is not true for most women. Female sexuality is far more complicated, and obstacles to sexual pleasure typically fall in three categories: physical, relational, and emotional.
Physical – sexual response is complicated. It involves many functions of the body, including the endocrine, circulatory, skeletal, muscular, and reproductive systems. That means a lot can go wrong. For example, an imbalance of hormones and some medications can destroy sexual desire and response. I recommend going beyond a simple doctor’s visit. Search for the right doctor, midwife or nurse who understands sexual functions and disorders. Search until you get answers.
Relational – you can have a great marriage and still have a louse sex life, but the quality of your marriage is still the foundation for sexual intimacy. Ask yourself a few questions to determine the current health of your marriage: Do you trust your spouse? Is he sensitive to your needs? Do you communicate with each other about sex? Are there secrets, bitterness, or unresolved tensions between you?
In the daily routine of marriage, we often do not stop to consider how we have been wounded in marriage, or why we do not trust the person who sleeps besides us every night. But until these issues surfaced and are addressed, physical pleasure and freedom is unlikely to be a reality.
Emotional – of all the barriers to sexual enjoyment, I believe the most common are emotions. Emotions run deep. Some women have a history of pain that has paired sex with extremely negative and painful emotions. For them, sex equals shame, guilt and sin. It has made them feel exploited. For women with emotional barriers like these, the issues don’t disappear by putting on a ring and saying vows in a church.
Healing from the three barriers takes work and effort, starting with a commitment to identify and address those barriers. It is worth exploring how sex can be satisfying for you. It is worth pursuing counseling to work through the pain of the past and be sexual again. Blessings!
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‘Our relationship is slowly going down’
Dear Pastor,
I am a woman aged 19 and in a-one-year relationship with a man aged 21. I really love this man more than he does. However, the problem is that our relationship is slowly going down. He is God-fearing. I need advice on how we can make it live, please pastor.
ANS: Sis, thanks for your text. If both of you are God-fearing there is no need to be in a panic mode. In your tone you appear to be really desperate for love with this young man but as for you, should first find solace in God. Do not be such in hurry to appear desperate.
Some men have been brought up in a well-cultured manner coupled with Christian norms whose standing as regarding sex may not be questionable. I have witnessed before, such men do not want to hear any hint of sex before marriage. Most ladies are duped to believe that having sex with a man before marriage is the means to keep the relationship live and active. If you make a mistake to propose sex to him, he may quietly and slowly recoil from the relationship.
The key issues for you as godly partners are communication and genuine love. If you really love each other, there should be no amount of fear what tomorrow might bring.
Make an effort from time to time to go for an outing for entertainment and discuss your future. Communicate regularly, trust him and trust God that all shall be well. (Isaiah 3:10) Nothing shall come between the two of you. Blessings!
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Love lines:
Dear Pastor,
I am a Zambian woman aged 52 looking for a life partner of any origin aged 55 and above. Loving, peaceful and caring. Contact: 0972-649056.
Dear Pastor,
I am man aged 36 looking for a serious lady aged 19-32, living positively. 0976-831330.
Dear Pastor,
I am man aged 26 looking for a God fearing woman aged 18-26 for serious relationship. 0972-062125.
Dear Pastor,
I am a single man aged 40 looking for a beautiful God-fearing and serious woman. 0977-406757.
Dear Pastor,
I am a man aged 44 living positively, God-fearing with 2 kids looking for a God- fearing serious woman to marry. 0977-893154.
Dear Pastor,
I am a man aged 30 looking for a lady to marry, working and faithful. 0962-891244, 0972-141744.
Tip of the Week
Marriage: Are there secrets, bitterness, or unresolved tensions between you and husband? Resolve them today. Blessings!
More answers in the next edition and ensure you get a copy every Sunday. Meanwhile let’s continue interacting via email pkatai@yahoo.com or thabokatai@gmail.com or sms 0967/0955-778068. Emailing is encouraged for quick response