Can we help? with PASTOR & MRS BANDA
DEAR Raphael and Namukolo,
I have been married for four years and like many couples, my husband and I fight over little things.
In the past six months, we have been feeling a little disconnected from each other and boredom has slowly crept into our relationship.
Meanwhile, I developed a crush on my husband’s best friend, who is unmarried, and we have become good friends.
A few days ago, we got intimate and ended up having sex. Now, we both are feeling extremely embarrassed and guilty.
Should I confess what happened to my husband? I really love him and don’t want to lose him.
His best friend is ready to break all the ties between us so we move on with our lives.
What should I do? Please help!
Your situation reminds us of how a man called Esau sold his birth right for a plate of stew in the Bible story recorded in the book of Genesis.
Genesis 25:29-34: “Once when Jacob was cooking some stew, Esau came in from the open country, famished. He said to Jacob, “Quick, let me have some of that red stew! I’m famished!” (That is why he was also called Edom.) Jacob replied, “First sell me your birth right.” Look, I am about to die, Esau said. “What good is the birth right to me?” But Jacob said, “Swear to me first.” So he swore an oath to him, selling his birth right to Jacob. Then Jacob gave Esau some bread and some lentil stew. He ate and drank, and then got up and left. So Esau despised his birth right.”
Hebrews 12:16-17: “See that no one is sexually immoral, or is godless like Esau, who for a single meal sold his inheritance rights as the oldest son. Afterwards, as you know, when he wanted to inherit this blessing, he was rejected. He could bring about no change of mind, though he sought the blessing with tears.”
Like Esau, you have greatly compromised your marriage for flimsy reasons. The issue of boredom could have easily been addressed with your husband and a solution found. Moreover, what you call a crush is simply infatuation. Infatuation is a fleeting and baseless feeling of love, which although strong at one moment, soon disappears like the morning clouds. Adults should know better to attach any seriousness to infatuation. However, you chose to behave like a naïve teenager and allowed yourself to be led by infatuation.
Adam and Eve had a similar experience in the Garden of Eden, when the devil tempted them to disobey God by eating the forbidden fruit. The result was not the wisdom they had anticipated but a hollow feeling of disappointment and shame, followed by far reaching consequences.
You keep referring to the man you slept with as your husband’s best friend, but his behaviour falls short of a friend, let alone, a best friend. When Potiphar’s wife tried to seduce Joseph, he flatly refused, citing one of the reasons, the trust Potiphar had in him.
Genesis 39:7-10: “And after a while, his master’s wife took notice of Joseph and said, “Come to bed with me!” But he refused. “With me in charge,” he told her, “my master does not concern himself with anything in the house; everything he owns he has entrusted to my care. No one is greater in this house than I am. My master has withheld nothing from me except you, because you are his wife. How then could I do such a wicked thing and sin against God?” And though she spoke to Joseph day after day, he refused to go to bed with her or even be with her.”
You claim to love your husband, but look at how true love is described in 1 Corinthians 13:6-7: “Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.”
Going forward, you and your man friend should start by accepting that your actions were grossly scandalous and cannot just be swept under the carpet. Unfortunately, you do not have much choice but to confess your sin to your husband and beg for forgiveness.
The Bible warns us that sin comes with severe consequences. Confessing, though it will definitely break the heart of your husband, will at least give him a true picture of the state of his marriage. He might decide to walk out of the marriage or to forgive you. The choice will entirely be up to him.
Confession is also the ultimate remedy to your wounded conscience. Because of the highly emotive and delicate nature of this case, you must involve ably qualified mediators.
Don’t let yesterday take up too much of today (iHeartsquotes).
For comments and suggestions, email: firstname.lastname@example.org
Can we help? with PASTOR & MRS BANDA