Can we help? with PASTOR & MRS BANDA
DEAR Raphael and Namukolo,
I feel ashamed of myself and cannot get past the guilt I feel. This past weekend, I slept with my boss, whose six-year-old daughter I looked after. I am the nanny. I have been with this family for a year and I have seen first-hand how horrible the mother treats the father – always calling him names, telling him he is a loser, emasculating him. He always looks exhausted and beaten down, almost like there is no life left in him. I think they are still together for the sake of the daughter.
The dad is a wonderful man, very kind. He loves his daughter very much. He pays me my full salary even when they do not need me for the day and always tells me how much he appreciates me providing care for his daughter.
The mum was away for the weekend on business and the dad went out with his friends for the evening to get away. I had put the daughter to bed a few hours prior to him coming home and was on the couch when he arrived. It just happened. We were intimate. I loved it. So did he. Two days later, I feel guilty as hell for what I had done, but I truly have grown to like the dad. He does not deserve the kind of treatment that the mother dishes out to him.
I am not going back to work until Wednesday, but he sent me a text today stating that he feels alive again and that he does not want me to quit as the nanny. As I said earlier, the daughter is a very sweet girl and I want to stay with them.
There is absolutely no excuse for what I have done, and all I can say is that I truly feel terrible for the dad, who was emotionally broken. Should I just quit as the nanny or secretly cut off the affair and continue working for them?
The situation you find yourself is most unfortunate indeed. It requires that you make a quick decision before it spirals out of your control.
You need to first remind yourself why and how you find yourself in that home in the first place. You are there as an employee. By virtue of being an employee, certain information concerning the husband-wife relationship has come into your possession. Yes, it is clear that the couple is having huge challenges in their marriage but this does not change your status as their employee. You are not mandated to intervene in any way in their marital conflicts. They need a solution but you are not that solution.
What happened that evening was not an accident. Over time, you and the husband have been getting emotionally attracted to each other and only a spark was needed.
God is very clear in His word how He wants us to relate with people who belong to others. Commandment number seven warns us not to commit adultery. Exodus 20:14: “You shall not commit adultery”. And commandment number 10 warns us against coveting a neighbour’s spouse. Exodus 20:17: “You shall not covet your neighbour’s house. You shall not covet your neighbour’s wife, or his manservant or maidservant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbour.”
By your action, you have violated both. This is the reason you are feeling so terrible. At the same time, you are allowing yourself to give in to the temptation of rationalising your actions and situation. You are beginning to conclude you are the answer that the man of the house needs. This is self-deception. The feeling of attraction both the husband and yourself are experiencing is nothing but infatuation.
If you stick around that home and continue with your adulterous affair, things will end very badly for you. If, for argument sake, he decides to divorce the wife and marry you, the whole world will refer to you as a husband grabber and you will be accused of being the cause of the couple’s problems. On the other hand, there is a big possibility that the couple will resolve their problems. Should this happen, and it can, you would have simply been used by the man to satisfy his sexual desires. By this time you could have become so deeply entangled emotionally resulting in terrible heart break. Worse still, you could have become pregnant or even contracted a disease.
Our advice to you, therefore, is that you quit that job and relationship with immediate effect and by so doing, save yourself, and that embattled family, from dreadful consequences.
Everyone makes mistakes, but admit your own before you point out someone else’s.
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Can we help? with PASTOR & MRS BANDA