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I found condoms in my husband’s bag

Dear Raphael and Namukolo,
I am 28 years old and married to a 30 year old man in Lusaka.
God has blessed us with a son aged two. I am also two months pregnant. Our marriage was good until the day I found packets of condoms in his bag.
In the process of packing his bag I had left it in our bedroom when I realized that it was dirty. That’s how I went back and picked it up. To my surprise he asked me what I was doing with his bag. I told him I needed to clean it. I started wondering why he asked me such a question. So what I did was to give him his bag and I went back to the bathroom. When I returned, I found him outside on the phone. I had concluded that there must be something going on and decided to check his bag.  To my surprise I found four sealed packets of condoms. I removed them from the bag and placed them somewhere else. To date I have never asked him what those condoms were doing in his bag.
So please mum and dad what can you advice. Did I do the right thing or not? God knows I want my marriage to work out and I want peace to reign. I don’t want to put my baby in problems. Chanda.

Dear Chanda,
We wish you the best of health as you are expecting your second baby. You need all the peace of mind at such a time as this and it is unfortunate that this is happening now. Hence the need for the matter to be speedily and amicably resolved.
No you did not do anything wrong to search your husband’s bag as his reaction obviously made you suspicious. It is clear from your explanation that it is not something you do habitually otherwise we would have concluded that there was a trust problem in your marriage.
You have not said how long ago the incident happened but you should have asked your husband immediately you came across the condoms. But it is not too late to approach him. You cannot just ignore this discovery as this will continue eating you up and if he is misbehaving the problem will only get worse. You must prepare your mind to the possibility that your husband might be cheating on you. Meaning you must not bury your head in the sand and just hope for the best!
Your marriage will not be saved by hoping all is well but by facing the problems as they arise and finding real solutions.
So without being confrontational, approach your husband in a respectful manner and express your serious concern about the condoms you found in his bag. Let him know that this find has affected you and you require an explanation. If his explanation is not satisfactory, insist on calling a counselor to come and preside over the discussion. In Matthew 18 the Lord Jesus Christ gives us the process to follow when someone offends us. Mat 18:15-17 ESV “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. (16)  But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. (17)  If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.” When caught in an embarrassing situation husbands tend to cook up stories which their wives easily believe. Do not allow this to happen as it will not constitute a real solution. This is all the more reason why you might need the assistance of a counsellor.
Once again, we must emphasise that you should not easily give in to blackmail or to sweet talk from your husband. Infidelity is a big problem and it destroys marriages and it also destroys lives. Make sure you get to the bottom of those condoms in your husband’s bag!
Last week (January 4) I read your article on distant relationships in the Zambia Daily Mail.
That article was really great. It was informative and good advice to people seeking to find life partners. I hope to make good use of this advice when the time comes for me to look for a life partner!
Thank you and continue the good work. Gift.
Thanks a lot Gift for your kind words and we wish you all the best when it comes to you finding that right life partner.
Personal growth is a prerequisite to overcoming new challenges in relationships.
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