GODLY COUNSEL with PASTOR KATAI
My husband is HIV positive, I am negative and we have a child. I am scared of getting infected, I want to leave, please help.
ANS: My dear sister, thank you for sharing with me this problem that affects many couples today. I am sure you do not want to hear it but be glad that you are aware of your partnerâ€™s HIV status.
I can only assume that his HIV infection may be as a result of an extra-marital affair and this may be contributing to your desire to end the marriage.
If yours is a Christian marriage, then you should know that your vows included the line â€œfor better and for worse.â€
From a health perspective counseling and guidance from a health provider will assist you ensure you are protected from becoming HIV positive. You can call 990 for expert advice on the matter.
In fact, if your spouse is to be put on anti-retroviral medication, you can play a big role in ensuring he sticks to his regimen and in future you can even plan on how to expand your family, free from the threat of HIV infection.
As for wanting to leave your husband, I humbly ask you to think about the timing for this action, is HIV the only reason for you wanting to leave? Is your husband a habitual adulterer or abusive?
Transparency and honesty is the best option. Seek counsel both from church and health professionals with your spouse to address any major issues you may be facing and then see the best way forward for you. Blessings!
Marriage conflict: â€˜I find making up hardâ€™
After marital conflict, I find making up hard for me . . . or is it? That is moving from marital conflict to make-up sex. How can I overcome this or what are some of the steps I need to take? Please help.
ANS: Well, sis the issues that cause conflict can be endless, but we often miss the heart of the matter. We get sucked into focusing on the topic at hand, going round and round in arguments over budgets, discipline, or how often we have sex. We get nowhere, failing to address the deeper emotional issues of feeling unappreciated, disrespected, ignored, or unloved.
After marital conflict, the best step for both to take is to open your hearts. Although you canâ€™t control your spouseâ€™s heart, you can influence it, leading to a better chance for connection. The better place to start when resolving an argument is to get your own heart open first. This is exactly what Jesus meant when he said, â€œHypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friendâ€™s eyeâ€ (Matthew 7:5).
Now restoring physical intimacy in a meaningful way after conflict is tied to restoring your emotional intimacy. Itâ€™s understood that for most men, sex is connection. After conflict, make-up sex is how a husband knows that everything is right in the relationship. He doesnâ€™t need to feel safe in order to have sex. Sex is typically how a husband reconnects relationally. Ladies, realise that opening yourself to sex after conflict is how you can meet your husbandâ€™s needs for intimacy and connection.
On the other hand, for you women, sex is usually the byproduct of emotional connection – feeling safe. Men, if you want your wife to respond sexually after conflict, figure out how to make her feel safe. Work to get her heart back open.
Ask her, â€œWhat can I do in this moment to help you feel safe with me?â€ A heart will always open when it feels safe. Love and safety are what she needs from you. Blessings!
Second marriage doomed to fail?
Each time we go to the supermarket to buy groceries, my husband is â€œin chargeâ€ at the grocery store.
He takes care of everything from writing the list to inspecting sale prices to unloading the cart to paying the cashier.
Meanwhile, Iâ€™m a cart-pushing lackey who happily wanders the aisles, putting my favourite foods in the cart even if theyâ€™re not on the list. This is my second marriage being ten years apart. If our marriage was in Godâ€™s plan, then why am I miserably treated by this man?
ANS: Madam thanks for writing to Godly counsel. Happiness in marriage (or any other aspect of life) is the most elusive and subjective measure we can use. Pursuit of your own happiness is not God-centered or husband-centered; it is completely self-centered.
Marriage values are like framing a house. Without defining and articulating the things you value as a couple, you have no structure for a marriage relationship. Values give you and your spouse a â€œmarriage identity.â€ Through them you can â€œprotect it and cause it to grow in the direction God intends.â€
These values may include: love of God, love of spouse, honesty, faithfulness, compassion and forgiveness, and holiness. From the foregoing list, your husband seems to value honesty and faithfulness above all else and this should communicate volumes about what he desires from you.Â You would not have intentionally been dishonest with him, but some things would go unsaid maybe because of his past experience with his ex-wife.
Understanding his values, as well as establishing your shared value system, will remove stress and uncertainty from your relationship. Having a shared value system will help you set enduring standards of behaviour and communication.
So madam, re-arrange your expectations from your current husband.
Seeking fulfillment from a husband or wife is not only asking too much, it is asking the impossible. We were created to receive ultimate fulfillment from God, and God alone. When we look to a relationship or a loved one as a substitute for God, we will always be disappointed. No one, no matter how much they love and desire us, can fulfill our longing. Only God can satisfy. All in all you should have something stronger: love of God as your highest value. Hebrews 13:5. Blessings!
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Tip of the week
Marriage: The most destructive part of unhealthy conflict is a closed heart, so in order to resolve an argument you need to get your heart open first, (Matthew 7:5). Blessings!
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GODLY COUNSEL with PASTOR KATAI