Can we help? with PASTOR & MRS BANDA
DEAR Raphael and Namukolo,
I have been in a relationship with my man for just six months now. The problem is that he smokes and drinks. At first, he never told me that he smokes, but I really pray for him to stop. I love him so much. Now the problem is that he asks me for money all the time.
I gave him K200 last week, but again he is asking me for money. He is not even shy as it is I who buys him airtime. When the airtime finishes, he would ask for more, and again I would send. Last month I gave him K350 and every month, he asks for money.
I am a 23-year-old student doing my teaching practice. He is 27 years old but he has never encouraged me to study hard or helped me with things that I need. He just says baby I am asking for K100. I want to use it on something, please, right now send.
On his profile picture, there is a girl. I asked him who she was and he said it was his sister. He is again asking for money. I told him that I did not have but he said I should look for it. Then I said maybe on Saturday.
I know that he does not work but it is too much now. Please, advise. FOLLYSTER
Dear Follyster,
On one hand, we are impressed by your ability to list down the catalogue of things your boyfriend is not doing right. On the other hand, having audited his behaviour, we are greatly appalled at how you can still continue in such a dead-end relationship. You are exhibiting such a high level of lack of wisdom; it is difficult to understand why.
It is clear that both of you do not understand the meaning of love.
You have said he drinks, he smokes, he is dependent on you financially, he does not care about your studies, and neither does he assist you in anyway. Above all, he has a suspicious profile picture. Yet you say you love him still, although you are feeling the terrible effects of his parasitic behaviour.
May we ask you, given everything you have told us about him, what is it about him that you love?
Your understanding of love is very defective. You think it is love to ignore the clear negatives your man friend is exhibiting. Instead of taking action, you think praying for him will one day make his problems disappear. This is a gross misunderstanding of how prayer works. Yes, God encourages us to pray to Him but prayer is never at the expense of our human responsibility.
There was a time when Israel, during the reign of Joshua, disobeyed God, and as a consequence, they suffered defeat at the hands of their enemies. In reaction, Joshua fell on his face in prayer to God. God responded by commanding him to get up from his face and instead to address the cause of the problem.
Joshua 7:6 NIV: “Then Joshua tore his clothes and fell facedown to the ground before the ark of the LORD, remaining there till evening. The elders of Israel did the same, and sprinkled dust on their heads.”
Joshua 7:10 NIV: “The LORD said to Joshua, “Stand up! What are you doing down on your face?”
Similarly, you must stop burying your head in the sand and see the elephant in the room.
It is the man’s responsibility to provide for his woman. The taking up of this responsibility must start before marriage during courtship. By now, your man friend must be generating an income, formal employment or no formal employment. There are many ways to create an income. Instead, he is only showing an unhealthy propensity to consume money he has not produced. Smoking, drinking, and talk time all consume but do not produce money.
You might be harbouring the thought that one day he is going to get a job and everything is going to work out fine. He sounds to be a sweet talker and he might be feeding you on such stories. Do not believe him. Such men only tend to get worse after marriage. There is nothing positive to look forward to in this relationship. By putting him on full sponsorship, you are not showing him love but only spoiling him further.
Forget about the nice feelings you harbour for this man and get out of that relationship before it’s too late.
RELATIONSHIP TIP
Choose your lifes mate carefully. From this one decision will come 90 percent of all your happiness or misery.
Raphaelandnamukolo@gmail.com