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Getting intimate with a mongrel

Torn Apart: BOYD PHIRI
THEY say every dog has its day, but in Lusaka’s Mtendere township not only does a dog have a day, but a human sweetheart, too.
I am sure you have heard the news and are wondering what in the world is going on.
The hood is totally bewildered by the story. Residents are trying to come to terms with news that a 49-year-old man was caught having sex with a dog.
It’s not as if the hound was his childhood sweetheart, but the truth is that he took advantage of his neighbour’s starved mongrel, which strayed in his path.
Of course, dogs don’t hunt for engagement rings from human beings. Perhaps, the man wanted to fall in love quickly but ended up getting in love with a wrong ‘woman’.
Just like you, this incident got me thinking, maybe the man engage his mind in a sexual thought saying to himself: “Oh, this dog is hot, I’d love to get into bed with it.”
Obviously, his neighbours couldn’t monitor his sexual thoughts. But it’s common for someone his age to think of the good old tick-tock, although he needed to find the right sexual partner.
You would say it was one way of coping with his mid-life crisis. Some people say middle age is when you’d like to have an affair, but you don’t have the time or a readily available woman.
You see, matters of the heart can be frustrating. I have heard people saying “I can fall in love quickly, but I always fall in love with the wrong ones.”
At least falling in love with wrong human beings is better than falling in love with a dog.
I believe that the desire to fall in love should not make one stupid for the rest of one’s life, especially when it leads to one having sex with a dog.
Stories of some men having a roll in the hay with domesticated animals in the hood are not new, but having sex with a dog makes one shudder.
In the first place, one must be a dog to think of placing his puny private part in a female dog’s anatomy – not to talk of one disrobing before the canine.
Of course, sex is exciting, but not when it is horrifying – involving man and a dog or woman and a dog.
One doesn’t expect a dog, be it German shepherd or Labrador Retriever, to look up to him with an expression indicating enjoyment.
Indeed, it’s confusing for a man of his age to engage in such a silly act.
Imagine, one pouncing on a hungry mongrel sniffing for left-overs on a garbage dump and turning it into a sex object.
Certainly, this is not being one’s pet’s best friend. What if the mongrel turned to be rabid and mauled his private parts?
I guess this kind of behaviour comes from taking an overdose of some sex boosters when one does not have a woman to help him relieve his pressure.
Some men in the hood know how to make themselves feel better when faced with such a situation – and they would have offered the randy man good advice to buy sex from prostitutes on the streets at a price as low as K5 or for gratis.
Of course, you don’t need to win a lottery to buy sex in the hood; even at half that price, one can have a roll in the hay with a call girl.
In fact, given the desperation for children or desire to be seen to be loved, some women may not ask for money – all they want is to be associated with a man they will call their own – whether he will marry them or not.
They offer themselves and will tell the man that they’ll be available as and when he wants it.
As for prostitutes, someone says the good part with prostitutes is that one doesn’t attract newspaper headlines like when a man is caught pants down having sex with a dog.
And when such a bizarre thing happens, perplexed people in the hood would gather in their yards and start talking: “Anga gwile bwanji imbwa koma bakazi bali mbwe mchalo,” meaning “How can one have sex with a dog when women are plenty in the world to choose one from?
Others would be worried at the prospect of the dog giving birth to a strange creature – looking half human and half dog.
Such things happen and this is why people in the hood get mad when they hear that a man has been caught having sex with a dog.
Why would anyone want to have sex with anything other than a human being? Sexual relation between a human and an animal is called Bestiality, and in Zambia, like anywhere else, it is a serious offence.
Therefore, let those troubled by sex boosters like mtototo prove their virility with sex workers and treat dogs like pets, not lovers.