Columnists Features

Getting intimate with a mongrel

TORN APART with BOYD PHIRI
WE’VE been hearing a lot in the news about some men jailed for having sex with dogs. Of course, a dog is man’s best friend, but man getting intimate with a female hound is a different issue all together.
Not that dogs don’t deserve a little tick-tock with their kind, but man chasing after dogs and trying to ‘kiss’ them sounds odd.
Obviously, there comes a time in every man’s life when he needs to prove his manhood and savour a romantic experience, but one should always be careful where he looks for love.
During a man’s lifetime, proving his manhood may involve anything, including visiting a brothel.
I’m not sure if men who have been jailed for having sex with dogs were trying to prove their manhood or dogwood by getting intimate with dogs.
Needless to say, male mongrels in the hood are concerned that they would now need to bite some men’s prized possessions if they dared come close to female canines.
Of course, it’s not uncommon for dogs to resort to biting, after all biting is a natural reaction for mongrels, especially when they are competing with man for something important such as a bitch.
If you think these male hounds are making empty threats, just wait until one sinks its teeth into someone’s soft tissue.
It can be painful, as one man from Malawi felt in 2014 when he allowed a hyena in a Zambian border town to bite off his prized possession in a get-rich-quick scheme.
Lest I digress, even when one is in his early stages of becoming crazily in love with someone to get through February 14, a dog is not the right choice.
In case you are wondering why the fuss about ‘man biting dog’, the thing is, a 39-year-old man of Mwapona township in Choma has been sentenced to five years imprisonment with hard labour for having sex with a dog.
Of course, the hound could not possibly have seduced him to defy nature and have a roll in the hay with it.
If it were up to the dog, I’m sure a pack of mongrels in the hood would have been there to witness the romantic scene.
Did I say Choma? Yes, Choma has been in the news lately for wrong reasons.
Last week, the town made headlines over the municipality’s decision to close brothels. And now the town is in the news again because of a man having sex with a dog.
Well, you could say the man was trying to enjoy the afternoon of his life in the absence of brothels, but one could ask, is it normal?
Of course, it is normal to feel like Valentine’s Day has to be an unforgettable romantic experience, but not to the extent of offering a mongrel red roses.
The best gift one can give this season to man’s best friend, I mean a dog, is a bone.
Although Choma Municipal Council has closed brothels, the man didn’t have to visit a kennel as an alternative to a brothel.
I mean, what if a pack of male dogs mauled him for flirting with one of their kind in their own backyard?
Of course, the mongrels wouldn’t have vented their anger by calling him mwana wa imbwa (son of a dog) after having sex with one of their kind.
I know that some men are used to hearing such coarse invectives from prostitutes in brothels, especially after failing to pay for sex.
But the desire to fall in love before Valentine’s Day should not make one go to jail and miss the experience of love in the air for the next five years.
In the first place, it is taboo for one to have sex with a dog, and one must consider himself a dog to think of having a roll in the hay with a female dog – not to talk of one undressing before a mongrel.
Of course, sex is exciting, but not when it involves man and dog or woman and dog.
One doesn’t expect a female dog, be it German shepherd or Bulldog, to say “mwa bomba”, meaning “Job well done”.
If there is anyone in the hood harbouring feelings of coaxing a mongrel this Valentine’s Day to help him experience love in the air, stop them, lest the male hounds call him “mwana wa galu” meaning “son of a dog”.
bjboydphiri@yahoo.com

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