Feeling magical with witchdoctor’s leaflet

Torn Apart: BOYD PHIRI
IF A man on the streets hands you a leaflet headlined “Don’t Cry”, prepare yourself to do the opposite, because the contents in the flier would indeed make you cry.

Who said traditional doctors advertising their services, which include hip and penis enlargement, are on the decline?
From the look of things, the oracle is still very much at work and has added more magical stuff to its divination.
Young men are seen on the streets distributing leaflets to passers-by. I was recently handed a leaflet by one of the men.
Before I could read the contents, I asked him what it was all about, but he chose not to answer me, maybe taking advantage of my apparent disinterest in the whole business as I continued walking after grabbing the leaflet.
When I flipped the flier on one side, I was greeted by the words “Don’t Cry”, perhaps that was the young man’s response to my question.
Well, I had no reason to cry that morning, especially that I was going for work and not a funeral.
But when I turned the flier to read the contents on the other side, something caught my attention.
Auntie Fatia, the traditional healer appearing on the leaflet, believes that she can protect you from poverty.
Why do some people seem to have all the magical powers in the hood to fight hardship while others wallow in poverty?
Well, if you are suspicious about this service, you are not alone. Even those living in abject poverty would find it difficult to believe Auntie Fatia on this one.
In the first place, most people need money to get out of poverty and I see no logic in one paying Auntie Fatia money first to be protected from poverty as if the condition were a vicious dog.
I bet it would be wise for Auntie Fatia to help people in the hood come out of poverty through conventional means like conservation farming.
Truth is, no magic formed against poverty can prosper in this scheme of things. Only hard work can defeat poverty.
The other thing which caught my attention is a service listed number 12 on the leaflet saying “We help people get quick loans”.
I found this idea to be far-fetched. Who said commercial banks or shylocks in the hood accept witchdoctors as middle-men? Not even the Lusaka Stock Exchange would accept a traditional doctor as a stock broker.
Besides, with the Credit Reference Bureau in Zambia snooping and putting question marks in people’s bank records, I don’t see how witchdoctors can help one get a loan quickly.
Another thing which made me cry is the claim by Auntie Fatia that she has a magic ring to help those in business prevent and recover shortages.
Since when did witchdoctors become financial advisers? I bet not even Bill Gates can buy spiritual water from Auntie Fatia to clean his business.
Yes, you heard me right. Spiritual water is one of the services provided by this traditional doctor.
Does it really make sense for one to spend money on spiritual water from a witchdoctor rather than get it for free from one’s local pastor after a successful crusade?
I guess pastors and prophets have stiff competition from Auntie Fatia, who also claims to have this type of anointing water.
A lot of solutions promised on these fliers by witchdoctors, like helping students who want to be brilliant in class, point to the fact that they take advantage of people’s desperation to find answers to their socio-economic problems.
Auntie Fatia also claims to have magical powers which can help you detect what will happen next.
Well, I guess I have tapped into Auntie Fatia’s magical powers after getting the leaflet from that young man on the streets, and I can detect that what will happen next is you being swindled by some of these traditional doctors.
I hope sex workers won’t emulate Auntie Fatia and start distributing leaflets on the streets advertising their services with a headline message saying “Don’t Cry”.

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