Torn Apart: BOYD PHIRI
EVERY time I open my e-mail, someone is always there to make me feel lucky. The frequency of people and organisations writing to tell me how lucky I am to win, for example US$950,000, makes me feel like I am missing something to share with people in the hood.
“Dear lucky winner, we are pleased to announce to you as one of the 10 lucky winners of our SWISS-USA LOTTO PROMOTION PROGRAM held on 15th June 2017. Your email address emerged alongside nine others in the category of winners in this year’s Annual Free Lottery Draw,” one message says.
This is not the only time someone has promised to make me feel lucky, some have promised to transfer money in my account because some rich guy out there has no-one to inherit his wealth.
Well, it’s not like the hood does not make me feel lucky: the only difference is that, while the internet picks me at random, the hood picks me by ‘P’.
Obviously, you may not understand some of the colloquial languages in the hood, but one thing is sure, you have heard some people say, “Ananitenga by ‘P’ mukumwa moba. Inali lucky day yanga,” meaning “He came to pick me for a drink by force. All the same, it was my lucky day.”
Some men in the hood feel lucky when their girlfriends tell them that they are pregnant with their child.
However, unlike the internet donors, girlfriends do not write to their boyfriends saying, “Dear lucky boyfriend, I am pleased to announce to you that I have picked you as the father of my child among many of my boyfriends. Your name emerged alongside my ex-boyfriends in the category of potential fathers of my child.”
Of course, it would sound weird if girlfriends wrote such messages to would-be fathers of their children.
But obviously, issues of men being picked at random in the hood to father one’s child are common, hence the catchphrase, banamutakatila.
But while individuals and some lottery organisations pick winners like me at random through the internet, they ask for money in return to purportedly enable them to process the payment.
They would ask for your particulars, which include your bank account and your name in full as if they do not know it already.
If you suspect anything about these lotto promotions, I understand. It’s normal for one to suspect fraud, especially when such messages keep on coming to your email box with different winning tickets.
I bet I would be a billionaire by now if the lotto promotions that come to my emails were genuine.
Because of the fact that they do not translate into real cash, I keep asking myself, “Why do messages of me being announced as a winner of thousands of dollars only happen on the internet and not in the hood?”
Well, I guess I will one day be a lucky winner in the hood and share the spoils with the rest of the hood.
But this got me thinking: what if bars in the hood ran such promotions and picked lucky drunkards at random?
Definitely, their messages would read like this, “Dear lucky winner, we are pleased to announce to you as one of the winners of our promotion. Your name emerged alongside nine other drunkards in the category of winners in this year’s free-beer draw.”
What if prostitutes also ran promotions saying “Dear lucky winner, we are pleased to announce to you as one of the 100 lucky clients of our free-sex promotion. Your name was picked at random through the used condoms we collected from various brothels.” What a weird promotion that would be?
But the hood, being what it is, anything can happen. As reported in the hood in 2012 when the Chipolopolo won the Africa Cup of Nations, some sex workers promised to provide free sex to men as a way of joining in the euphoria.
I am not sure if they picked men at random for the escapade, but truth is, they made some men feel very lucky.
So, next time you open your email and find a message of someone announcing you as one of the winners, consider yourself lucky.