Gender Gender

Are you really who you portray to be?

Speak Out on Violence: DORIS KASOTE
SOME people have a tendency of portraying their lives to be perfect and are quick to single out mistakes in the next person. Such people pretend their lives are near to perfect when the case is far from the truth.
I received a letter from Ms Chola of Ndola, and she writes:
Dear Doris,
I always look forward to reading your column and thought I could share my experiences that I have had with a close friend of mine. We have been friends since forever and have known each other’s secrets; at least that is what I believed until I started making certain discoveries.
Growing up, we would plan what kind of men we would wish to end up with and fortunately our wishes were granted. Our husbands were responsible until some years in my marriage when I observed changes in my husband’s behaviour.
I confided in my friend and, to my surprise, instead of comforting me, she was quick to tell me to leave him. I was taken aback. I spoke to another friend, who advised that I try to work things out with my husband. The problem I had with my husband was that he was a workaholic, which was further affecting time with the family. Other than that, he provided for the family.
But my close friend insisted that I should make my husband choose between his job and his family. My husband is a high flier and I know that he was working late hours to provide as best as he could for the family.
I began to question whether this should be a valid reason for me to leave my husband. I began to avoid my friend because, instead of giving me a shoulder to cry on, she would accuse my husband of being insensitive.
When I would ask how her marriage was doing, she claimed all was well and that the husband was the best man any woman could ever ask for.
Anyhow, nothing is hidden under the face of the earth, and I eventually got to know some of the problems that my friend was having in her marriage. She had put a picture perfect-look to the world when things were nowhere near to perfect.
I learnt that her husband had lost his job a year earlier and I felt betrayed because she did not tell me about it. This meant she was the breadwinner. I had earlier wondered why her children were withdrawn from one expensive private school to a less expensive one. When I asked her why such a decision was made, she said the standards at the previous school had dropped. I had no reason not to believe her. I also learnt that the husband was physically abusing her and sleeping out.
I not only felt betrayed by a friend I trusted and poured my heart to, but I also felt sorry for her. Such people need help because they suffer in silence while they put up a picture for the world to think all is well.
Ms Chola.
Thank you for sharing, Ms Chola. Such cases are happening within our communities and unfortunately even among close family members who will not open up when they have problems. They would rather keep things under wraps and suffer silently.
Until next week.
Let’s keep in touch.

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