Torn Apart: BOYD PHIRI
THERE are different kinds of parties. There is kitchen party, where women in the hood seize the opportunity to soak themselves in coloured water under the guise of preparing a wife-to-be for marital bliss.
If there is any party where some housewives learn how to hold a beer bottle, apparently, when they are tired of holding their hubbies, a kitchen party is one.
Of course, they do not put on signs written “Caution, Learner beer drinkers under instruction from the matron”, save for their unusual behaviour, which forces husbands to make them show cause why they should not be deported from their matrimonial homes.
This is where pots and pans exchange hands to help the bride start a new home, obviously away from the bustle and hustle of her siblings in the hood.
Some of the characteristics of kitchen parties in the hood are the African drum and that suggestive dance choreographed by the matron.
Quote me correctly, the matron at a kitchen party is not wild, but she tries to be wild to add a little sparkle to the party.
But, of course, she risks forcing husbands in the hood to come up with a hashtag campaign #BringBackOurWives for engaging them in back-to-back kitchen parties.
There is also house-warming party, which enables couples get extra stuff for their homes, of course not after the invasion of bailiffs acting on behalf of a money-lender.
You invite your friends to come and have a few drinks and food, but ask them to bring some gifts for your house, of course not condoms.
There is also beer party. This type of party is ideal if you don’t want to be intimidated by people who drink beer on other people’s generosity at the bar.
You can also have a dinner party or tea party in the hood with friends. But one of the most annoying kinds of parties we have heard the past one week is sex party.
Unlike at beer parties, during sex parties people involved get intoxicated with sex, which is why when 70 teenagers were arrested at a sex party in Lusaka recently, everyone had a nagging feeling about underage sex.
Parents got shocked when news broke out that their children had been arrested at a sex party at a house in Woodlands.
Obviously, the parents were not trying to be picky about the type of condoms the teenagers were using at the sex party or how they paired up. But one thing is sure, they were annoyed knowing that earlier they had dropped off their children at school and not at a sex party.
Needless to say, keeping track of teenagers isn’t easy, especially when they disappear into a priest’s house, where one expects to find Bibles instead of condoms.
But one wonders how the owner of the house was able to host 70 teenagers when their parents had left them at school.
Perhaps the priest was trying to teach the children sex so that when they grow up they do not depart from it.
The police found condoms strewn all over the ground when they raided the house. Of course, they did not go in with sniffer dogs trained to detect condoms.
Neither did they use a special app called “Where teenagers are having sex”. Thankfully, the police turned to their professional skills to find the children.
Of course, there was no matron during the teenagers’ sex party, but according to media reports, it was the second time such a party was being held there.
From what happened to the teenagers, it would appear that some school children are now buried more in condoms than books.
How can one explain a situation where one moment parents drop them at school, the next moment they are found at a sex party?
I won’t be surprised to hear that some school children forget to carry their pens but remember to carry their condoms when going for tuitions at weekends.
However, although it is difficult to keep tabs on teenagers, parents should ensure that their children do not fall prey to such vices.
At least going to a tea party is better than sex party. You only find teabags there and not condoms.