Columnists Features

Analysing the game of soccer

Torn Apart: BOYD PHIRI
FOR the past four years or so Chipolopolo’s underperformance has occupied the minds of many fans and soccer analysts.
And as things stand, the misfiring of the Copper Bullets is not about to stop anytime soon.
It is as if the players want the local soccer analysts to continue having something to talk about.
Apparently, the more the team performs poorly, the more issues soccer analysts have to talk about.
If the Chipolopolo lose, analysts draw all sorts of conclusions for fans to extract any hidden reason behind the loss.
This is how an interview with a soccer analyst would go after Chipolopolo’s loss:
Interviewer: What’s your comment on the game between Zambia and Cameroon?
Analyst: We didn’t play well because Mbesuma forgot to pray before the game.
Interviewer: Do you think that was necessary?
Analyst: You see, if he makes a cross after saying a prayer like Catholics do it means he will score four goals.
Interviewer: But he has made a cross after saying a prayer before and never scored four goals.
Analyst: In football, how one makes a cross matters. I am sure he made a cross while standing instead of kneeling down on the opponent’s goal mouth.
Interviewer: What do you make of Kabaso Chongo’s performance?
Analyst: I think the Kappa jersey made him fail to run. You could see even in the game against Nigeria that it was too tight and exposed his prized possession just like it did with Fwayo Tembo although he played well. You see, in football one’s prized possession needs to be free for him to run properly.
Interviewer: Let’s talk about Mweene’s performance. Do you think he still has that form we saw when Zambia won the Africa Cup in 2012?
Analyst: I don’t think he still has that form. You see, football and farming don’t go together. If he has started tilling the land he was given in Mkushi, you expect his form to continue going down because all the energy now goes to farming.
Besides, you don’t see him spitting in his palms and rubbing them when getting ready for a shot from an opponent. It is important for a goalkeeper to do that, it shows you the body language.
Interviewer: Stopilla Sunzu is still strong at the back, what’s your comment?
Analyst: He is still feeling better after winning the Africa Cup of Nations in 2012. He said it himself when he was asked by a reporter how he felt after Zambia’s victory. You see, a player needs to be prepared psychologically.
Interviewer: Sometimes there is lack of communication among the players on the field. Why is it like that?
Analyst: What do you expect when most players in the team speak Lingala fluently as opposed to Bemba?
Interviewer: I mean, communication in terms of reading one another in the game.
Analyst: Oh, sorry.
Sometimes, they fail to read one another depending on the soaps and gels they have used. You see as long as their suppliers are different, it breaks down their communication because they are at different levels.
Interviewer: What is your take on having a local coach and its impact on results?
Analyst: Local players have low regard for a local coach for various reasons.
Interviewer: What could be the reasons?
Analyst: First of all, they do not go to the same church and this has a bearing on the spirituality of the team.
Secondly, the moment they dig the coach’s history and discover that he may have been behind their sister/ cousin/aunt’s misery, they will not forgive him and will pull him down.
They may even be swearing at him during training and narrate their ordeal to the other players.
Interviewer: How does the choice of camping affect performance?
Analyst: Players should not be camped in neighbourhoods with a lot of bars and night clubs, players may be sneaking out to have beer or look for girls.
Interviewer: So, what is the solution?
Analyst: Maybe they should start camping in Johannesburg because there they have nobody to send to buy them cigarettes, marijuana or beer in the night.
Interviewer: Why do some players put in everything at their clubs but under-perform in national colours?
Analyst: At their clubs, they are under PMS while at Chipolopolo, they feel like they are wasting their time.
Only players aspiring to get professional contracts and are looking at moving to bigger clubs put in their all.
However, one thing is sure, the Chipolopolo have not lived up to their name, Copper Bullets. Perhaps their performance has gown down because of the falling copper prices on the London Metal Exchange.
Interviewer: Anyway, we’ll see how they perform in future. Thank you for your time.

Send Your Letters

Facebook Feed